Yes, Art DOES Imitate Life!!!

So, here I am in water color and cybergraphics... Meet my painter, Art... He is imitating me. No, I ain't no woman! I am a Spanish aristocrat.... (Let me be what I want too... ) Heck in reality, I am a jail bird and a damn goldfish in a bowl that I have to constantly keep sucking the algae out of!!! Did anyone notice when Hell entombed me??? That Greek guy that pushed the boulder up the hill and takes a break just to have it roll back down and start all over again... he has NOTHIN on me! I can't finish cleaning something before the absent minded professor bumbles his way into my site and wrecks it... I swear the man has horns under them cowlicks... But, what am I complaining about... I am just a picture hanging on the wall!

My Grad School Choices Exposed

Lately, I have been feeling irritable and overwhelmed with anticipation. I now realize it is because I am waiting to see if I am accepted into some of these schools because I really HATE not knowing where my future lies.... I am the type of person who thrives on being able to fantasize or use my imagination to begin creating a template of the future I wish to lead. However, I could end up on the West Coast, Gulf Coast, or here on the East Coast... All I really know is that I need to bring a bathing suit... Water, water, everywhere... not a drop to think!!!! Thinking about this shit is annoying because I really have no clue which school is going to accept me or if any at all are. How am I supposed to prepare for my future??? How am I supposed to think about it??? All I can do is sit there and tease myself with the inevitable "maybes" of perplexity. That is the kiss of death to my kind!!! I WANT TO KNOW ALREADY!!!! GRAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (Breathing deeply and passing much gas.... a minute later, I feel fine with the exception of that damn awful smell!!!! LMAO!) Well, everyone.... here it is! THe following is a sample of what I am anticipating. My future lies in one of the following pictures. As I am the type of person that tries to ensure that even my worse case scenario is acceptable, I have listed my schools in the order in which I would like to go to the most. USF is first on my list because of my dear family. Plus, I am familiar with the area, like it, and have a few friends already. I just hope that Fate blows me in the direction that I need to go. I WILL point out that I only applied to ONE school in FL and ONE school in PA... hint, hint, hint!!!! If I end up on the West Coast, I think I can be a beach bum... If I end up in FL, I am very happy with that; its my first choice... (Or it BETTER BE or my cuz, Kimber, will bruise me up something fierce.... I wonder why she wants me down there so bad??? LMAO! It is a Gemini thing I guess.... LMAO!) If I end up in Philly, I can have lunch with my sister every day I suppose and live the urban thang.... So, without further adou, here are my schools ->





University of South Florida (This is an arboritum on the plush USF campus which is full of fountains and gardens. It is a very attractive campus that is located off Fowler Avenue in Northern Tampa and about 30-45 mins from all of my beloved family in clearwater, if that!!! It is also close to the beach and main attractions.








University of California-San Diego (Actually located in LaJolla, CA; this area is HEAVEN on Earth!!! I have already been there twice! Have you ever seen Mission Bay or the area in SoCa where they rollerblade along the beach or surf where the ocean crashes onto the cliffs??? This is that spot!!! There is no other place on Earth like here! The LaJolla Cove is 5 minutes south of this scene and it is a prominade upon a cliff where white lights, music, and festivities happen year long... if you have ever seen the Lost Boys, this is the area on the Pacific Ocean with the boardwalks and beaches where it was filmed... and it looks it too!




University of California-Santa Barbara (This university is on the beach (see it on the right) and has a lagoon that can be seen on the left. It is sanwiched between the mountains and sea with a village that is alot like New Hope, just richer, nestled around it. Area attractions include San Fran, L.A., Napa Valley wineries, moutdoor sports, wilderness, and sunsets galore... )





San Diego State University (The campus is on the backside of San Diego, near the mountains and about 20 minutes or so from the beaches... mountains and desert behind and beaches and city in front of the campus....)










Temple University (Weiss Hall- Psychology Building in Center City, Philly) This is where I would spend almost 90% of my time. I would be close to my sister, parents, and just a short train ride from my current home in Bucks County, PA... I would probably rent a small 2 BRM apartment in the city for the week and go back to Bucks on the weekends. I can hitch rides to the parents' house or to my twisted sister's crib. I wouldn't need a license. The only danger is that this city is my stomping grounds for when I was a real party machine!!! But, maybe that is a good thing....

Tired

All three Fate's, I've gone and fired...
The Bitches leave me no rest and tired!
Weaving their web called Destiny,
I wish they would just set my ass free!
Golden Scissors come to my aid
and snip the line of this life I've made;
Can't I just start a new thread?
Can't I just pretend I am dead?
Reborn my soul on a new path
that is vacant of my history's wrath.
I know one reaps what they sow,
but my crops are many... too many to know!
Can't I just have some damn corn!?
It's easy enough... Just let me be reborn!
Can't I have just a taste of simplicity
instead of this fatigue and duplicity?
RING, RING, RING!!!! My Life's beckon...
Jump THIS high and SING!!! I reckon
they want me to prove my subserviant plight
and "Yes' um and No' sa, instead of fight...
But, they know they hold the power
until the time of my releasing hour!!!


It is hard to remember who you are when you have been so many different people. Life… for some is just another four-lettered-word. To other people, it is an obstacle to overcome or even a wonder that inspires awe daily. To me, the ambiguous gift of Life is epitomized in the fact that we, as humans, use Life to define ourselves; in turn, we use ourselves to define Life. I feel there is an interesting correlation there that needs examining because that is where our ability to shape-shift truly is. I suppose its true that I have been a multitude of people because my life has been a multitude of varying conditions. Therefore, Life has been a bitch at times, a major trial, a splendid wonder, but ultimately, a lesson in myself.
Sometimes, shape-shifting can really hurt. Other times, I can’t seem to will the changes I need to make because of the pain; I have also been pretty comfortable and rather attached to some of my forms. I have shape-shifted in almost every situation. I have done it without thinking even. I have shape-shifted in anger, happiness, sadness, jealousy, spite, lust… and even in numbness. I always look forward to the times I just involuntarily shape-shift into something pleasant. It feels wonderful!
Time is also rather relative to the art of shape-shifting. Shape-shifting is natural to children. The boundaries between the imagination and reality are not clear, becoming a dragon is no big deal. I always found that imitation of real-life things were more difficult because of the multitude of examples for any one thing I chose; whether I chose to be a tree, dog, or bird, I had to make my mind up to be a weeping willow, oak, or conifer, a poodle, a mastiff, or a mutt, an eagle, a canary, or a hummingbird. That is another reason why I enjoy the imaginary.
Lately, I have been imagining myself as a real person… a person without negativity dwelling within my heart and mind. I am trying my hardest to shape-shift into a healthy human being that has no need for drama, self-loathing, hate, or spite. I want to finally be free of the demons that torture me and the questions that burn within that cause me to long for numbness or beat answers out of nothing. I want to be a “me” that I have never been before; I want to be peaceful, wise, reliable, predictable, and someone who is trusted and able for others to be proud of. The Grind is a hard one. I haven’t the ability to test who I am. I am locked in a life that is controlled and ruled by exterior forces. I know what I feel and I think I may be shifting into that person, but I will not know for sure until the Sun sets on my form without a governing body laying its bureaucratic touch or watchful eye upon my life. I AM WILLING MYSELF TO TRANSIST, TRANSFORM, and TRANSFIGURE!!! I just hope my heart, mind, and body can follow this path that my emotions plots. Only time will tell… For now, I watch the clock and breathe rhythmically to the beat of someone else’s drum to my day of freedom with high hopes and spirits that I am trying to keep flying high as if they are a kite in the rain. I am just tired of running and running… CAN’T MY SHIT JUST GET CAUGHT IN A FUCKIN’ TREE, SO I CAN REST!!!!

Taking Care of a Caretaker (For My Beloved Aunt Debra)

There is so much in my Auntie's home
that reminds me of the love I've known.
Every item is a memory;
some of others, some of me...
Decades of celebration between these walls echo.
those are the times of which I can never let go.
Family, lights, Christmas tree,
Halloween, frights, and roast turkey...
Boisterous laughter filling the air
of generations that gather there...
These are the times to think of your mother
for she holds a place that belongs to no other.
I speak to my mother's sister, my aunt, YOU!!!
All I have to give are my words that ring true.
Look around your house and within your heart,
take itinerary of every part,
take a deep breath and turn off the light...
Everything is still there, just not in sight!!!
Your mother IS that light so bright
and when she goes into that dark night
she exists in what she leaves behind
and dwells in your heart, body, and mind.
Now is a time when that light must flicker
and tensions in the air will grow thicker;
a true Angel, you were born from
is preparing you for what must come.
Though her body does not want to die,
her heart and soul doesn't want you to cry
or feel lost in pain, sorrow, and strife.
Grandma lived a full and happy life!
All she really will lose is her hurt and pain...
her fatigue and ailments are what is slain!
She lives forever in those she adores
and there is a peice of her in all of our cores.
We all are good people, with her love and her grace...
I see it all the time within YOUR sweet face.
Sweet Aunt Debrah, no one ever dies,
especially when they are seen within your bright eyes!
I know it is hard to see Grandma through
a time such as this, but what can you do???
You have ALWAYS done what was needed;
in the face of fire, YOU WERE NEVER DEFEATED!
You loved me and my sister when you had no kids of your own
and you will reap that harvest now that we are grown.
I love you with no end, limit, or condition!
Love and acceptance is a family tradition
that was started from none other
than the beautiful person known as your mother!
Look in the mirror and you can see the trace
of Grandma written all over your face!

Star Troopers

In the distance they shine, glimmer, and gleam.
They hang from the Heaven's, an elite removed team.
They believe the planets revolve around their glow,
failing to realize you reap what you sow.
Your light must be bright and life giving
to be the center of an orbit of the living.
Stars they are or fancy to be,
yet they are full of gas and self-absorbed completely
held in tact by zero gravitational force...
Tug on one slightly and it falls, dramatically of course!
Imagine the fear when a star topples from grace,
pulled down to earth from a once lofty space.
Ones who looked up, must now look straight in the eye
all of their illusions as they curl up and die.
Self-polished Gods dethroned and made mortal,
somehow fell down and phased through the portal
to a place that they fear was sheer hell;
they've fallen from grace to where real humans dwell.
Ones who knew everything, now everything knows who
truly doesn't know what they should do.
Ones who feel nothing, or so they try to make us believe,
come face to face with emotion and have no reprieve.
They tear, kick, and bite those that are near
to outlet the pain, frustration and fear
of losing control and that comfortable space,
high above everyone in that safe lofty place.
Now comes the test of how God-like they really are.
Will they fade from sight, yet another fallen star?
Will they say in the end
words their actions don't reflect?
Will they try to mend
the indifference they protect?
Will they make the first move
to retract the stone that they threw?
Will they try to prove
something they never knew?
Or will they sit alone, silent, and still...
in an emptiness they can't ever fill?
The only good that can rise
from a helpless fallen star
is that they may realize
how truly loving we are.
Though they expose their true identity,
we have our own little piece of serenity
in knowing ourselves as the people we are:
the people strong enough to carry a poor fallen star.
As we carry the fallen in their disgrace
we must also tend the emergency we face
of stoking the flames of the truest Sun
and caring for the star that gave life to everyone.

The Ride of Your Life

Life is a River, it goes where it flows.
So, be a life liver and row where you go.
The only thing given is this thing we call livin’
so be willin to be thankful for life and be driven.
Memories and dreams make up the scene:
what you saw and what you wish you had seen.
But, there ‘s no use in tryin’ or even in cryin’;
we can’t hold the hand of the clock as we’re dyin’
The River gets rough, sometimes you get tough.
Ignore the stuff that implies you aren’t good enough.
Hold on tighter when the water gets whiter.
Battling the current only makes you a great fighter.
But, you’ll stay afloat if you don’t rock the boat.
The tides come in gently and then they rush out.
Most tears and most laughter begin with a shout.
The beat we keep best is the one in our chest,
as long as our hearts can withstand the test
of living a life we know we aren’t meant to own
and bein’ for reasons we know that can not be known.
We know where the River bends by the message it sends
Life is one River, but it has many ends.
We flow into a great big sea.
We know not where we will be.
Fight the flow and keep the light aglow
Churning burning, a lesson for learning
how will earning decrease your yearning?
Don’t make that mistake in the paths that you take.
Enjoy the ride, enjoy the fight, and never let yourself be caught in the wake.

Shadows

They look like someone I thought I knew.
Their manner, shape, and movements too.
But, their words are dark and cold
in a beligerence so blunt and bold.
They must hide behind my loved one,
beyond the reach of the brightest sun
hidden behind love and grace,
hidden behind a familiar face.
Their tongues fork when they speak
their written words, so dark and bleak
stealing the glimmer from my eye,
grounding my spirit that wants to fly.
They chip away at my Soul
for trying to steal it is their goal.
One mustn't place value in their deeds
for to do so surely recedes
who you are and leaves the scar
of the SHADOWS that they are.

The Rose of the Garden

The following is a tribute to my beloved grandmother that is currently bedridden in a hospital in Florida; I feel helpless and there is absolutely nothing I can do, but sit here and hope/pray for a miracle... This poem is a tribute to the life of a wonderful woman who pioneered a new way of spreading love throughout a family; my grandmother, Nancy Diehl, is a woman of grace and undying love that has kept our family together more than we shall ever know. It is said that the most beautiful blossom has roots that run deep into the compost and mud. My grandmother had a hard life, but is the most beautiful and gentle soul that I know because of it. I wish I could be more like her. She is strong, yet unhardened by life. She is wise and caring without being domineering. She is a bright light and beacon to anyone who knew her; the world shall mourn when that light goes out.


The Rose of the Garden

Sunlight falls upon a rose
in the garden within my heart.
I sit and gaze at her beauty
for she clearly stands apart.
Her roots run deep within the soil;
her thorny stem rises above its earthy bed.
The Rose’s leafy garment catches the light.
The blossom’s petals crest deeply red.
This Rose is special to me
for she was the first one to grow.
Her seeds have spread so quickly
that there are so many Roses to show.
Nancy Diehl is this Rose
I speak of and call by name.
For she and this Rose, I tell you,
are very much the same.
Nancy’s roots deeply run
to a farm where chickens played.
Her father, Oscar, was a hard-working man.
Her mother’s acquaintance was never made.
As we move from her roots,
circumstance by which she was born,
we know that upon her thorny stem
her unknown mother is her first thorn.
The stem of this Rose marks in Life
the trying times she lived through.
Her childhood may have had many sharp thorns,
but, they also guided her too.
These thorns led her from Martha to Martha,
from stepmother to best friend she puts on a shelf.
For it was with her in Louisville, Kentucky,
she gained independence and found herself.
From this point, she branches and grows
her leaves to catch the light.
A new life of joy and pleasures,
instead of cold dreadful nights.
Call each leaf a pleasure
or hobby that Nancy created.
The “talkie” star Tex Ritter was one
even though his movies were berated.
Another leaf is Al Joelson
saying, “Mammy!” across the movie set.
Tom the Chicken is another leaf
for he was Nancy’s favorite pet.
Upon this strong stalk is another branch;
a special branch with its own side
adorned with five rosebuds upon it,
I call this branch Clyde.
Nancy had met him dancing
at an NCO club in Fort Knox.
She had caught his eye two nights before.
Nancy sure was a fox!
Their first date was on her birthday.
How ironic this all seems.
She nabbed and married cocky ol’ Clyde
and began fulfilling her dreams.
Those five beautiful buds upon that branch
are the overflowing of Nancy’s cup;
Tony, Karen, and Patty…
Deb and Eddie… who we call “Gup”.
Each bud is a special color
portraying their talents and their pros.
Each one is a living and brilliant tribute
to this wonderful mother rose.
And now we gather in the garden,
all of your roses and seedlings too,
to show how much we adore and respect
such a wonderful person like you.
For without YOU, this ground be barren,
empty and dead in strife,
but as you can see, there is seven decades of growth…
a living celebration of YOUR LIFE!

We all love you beyond expression, Grandma! The world is a better place for just having you in it.

My letter of recommendation from the Rickster

I am writing in support of (my name) to the PhD program in psychology at (School's name). James, as we call him, has never been a student in any class I have taught, and I have more of a personal relationship with him than a student-teacher relationship. However, I am more able than anyone else to evaluate and comment on his educational accomplishments, his intellectual ability, and his academic promises. I have known James for more than ten years, and have been his mentor and informal advisor for academic matters throughout this time.

Shortly after I met James, I encouraged him to attend Bucks County Community College, a I recognized that he was exceptionally bright and needed to get started on the college track. After an outstanding performance there, for which he received impressive accolades from his instructors, I encouraged him to apply to Muhlenberg College, a college for which I have a great deal of respect. Again, he did exceptionally well, and I heard many enthusiastic comments and high praise from several of his instructors. He even received the only perfect score ever acheived in one very difficult biology course.

James wants to continue his studies in psychology and earn a PhD., a lan that I not only enthusiastically support, but very strongly encourage him in. I have never met anyone more suited to an academic discipline than James is to psychology. He has an extraordinary intuitive connection to people and a remarkable insight into understanding and relating to them. He is exceptionally enthusiastic about pursuing and academic career in psychology. My field is not psychology, I am an applied mathematician and my research is in mathematical biology, but I am confident without a shadow of a doubt that psychology is the perfect discipline for James to pursue. I witnessed first-hand the enthusiasm he showed for the psychology courses he took at Bucks County Community College and Muhlenberg College, and I saw how well he did in every one of these. James has great potential for being an outstanding member of the psychology profession.

There are many additional indications of James' intellectual strength and potential for sucess in a graduate program. He writes extremely well, at a level that places him among the best I have ever seen in a student. He has written a large body of poetry over the years, as well as short stories, and while I am not qualified to critique them, they are deeply moving, exceptionally insightful, and extremely well written. James is very talented musically, and this has been recognized and encouraged by his music teachers throughout his primary and secondary schooling, and his artistic talent has won him statewide recognition in major competitions. James is very well read, with strong intellectual curiousity. Finally he is exceptionally pleasant- a real people person- which may not be so important for someone applying for graduate studies in mathematics, but which I expect is a real asset for a fututre PhD in psychology.

While I am recommending James to you, not as one of his teachers, but, as someone who knows him in a more personal way, I recognize that it is my responsibility to him not to encourage him in a pursuit such as this unless I am thoroughly convinced that he is eminently qualified, and that as an academic it is my responsibility to help you evaluate your candidates accurately so that you can fill your program with the best students possible. I have been a professor at (school name) for over 30 years, where I have also served as chairman of the mathematics department. During this time, I have taught numerous outstanding undergraduate and graduate students. I have been the dissertation advisor to many graduate students, who no occupy positions at various universities, as well as at prominent research facilities such as the Mayo Clinic and the Jet Propulsion Laboratory. I am a graduate of Brown University, have a master's degree from Princeton University, and received my PhD in applied mathematics from Brown. It is with this background and experience that I write to urge you to consider James' application favorably. James would benefit greatly from being a graduate student in psychology at (school's name) , he would be an asset to your program, and I am completely confident that you would be very pleased to have him as a student.

Very truly yours,


(The Rickster's real name)

Temporal Dilemma

Channel me a mystery
forelorn in sovereign grace.
Let the tick tock of my heart
quicken and thicken its pace.
Fortitude and solitude I do now need
to recede the ill-grown seed of the words I bleed.
Grey is the day that tries to slay
the flower from my hand.
Try to stay the price we pay
for existing upon this land.
The smooth plains under rains
rear up to a jagged range,
though we strain in all our pain
to name the normal strange.
If the clock cannot stop
then let it appear to
and face its hands away.
Then time may drop
the pull of skin and sinew
and forever young we'll stay.

Lightening Up

After my bout with the darkness within me, I can say I feel better to pour out my heart and find that it still beats in my chest. I am happy once again. Time is relative; whenever I feel that my life is ticking away, each second is another diamond turned to dust- a fantastic loss! But, as I said, time is relative... A second is a second and I can not do ANYTHING right now that is not regimented. I must make the most of whatever I am allowed to do while under the lock and kkey of a political system that sees me as nothing but a mere number; I can scream, "I AM HUMAN!!! I AM A REAL PERSON!!!" The fact remains that the political structure is not, and I waste my breath with utterances and noises that do not calculate to words in a political confine. Time to lighten up... Sit back, relax, and waste some time. After all, next Saturday, I take my GRE subject test; I will fail it miserably. Then, it is a small leap to Thanksgiving. After that is shopping season, which I can do by internet and whip out the old credit card and one-you-three-for-me my way to Christmas day. After Christmas, is visitation by family members. Then I am less than a month away from freedom and it is time to do my planning... I am ready to start the shit!!! So, in symbolism of my lightening up... I am reverting to my natural self! I am going back to blonde... Yes, I sit here with the chemicals drying out my already thinning fishing line hair as I write this, turning lighter by the moment. Soon, I will be closer to what I am supposedto be. At least I know I can go black and come back kickin'... Cheers to me and all my crew. (And then I end up with green hair.... LMAO!!!)

Censorship

Well, I had to take off my previous blog because I was editted; my wonderful housemate read my blog, realized there was "identifying material in that BLOG!!!!" and made me erase it.... CENSORSHIP at its best! But, I can see where he wouldn''t want to be associated with what I write... After all, it is Virtual Madness Unleashed! LMAO!!!!!

Taking off the mask...

Well, Halloween is over and everyone must revert back to the normal existence of being who they are; for some of us that is a good thing, for others it isn't that fun, and for me it is a very odd experience. All in all, I have an incredible memory. However, I can not seem to remember too much about myself when I compare it to the banks of memories I have about my sister, my parents, or any other member of my family that I was around often.
Novemeber is six months after my birthday, or the retro equinox of my being, which means it is my greatest time of reflection. (Yes, Roo, yours is in September... funny isn't it!? Been thinkin' about your life alot lately???LOL ) I am now confronted with my memories and feelings towards myself. Don't get me wrong, it is NOT a bad thing! My recollection of myself is very fragmented, making me wonder more about myself. My childhood was not a smooth one. My mother just visited and I mentioned what I wnted to do and she seemed upset by the notion a little; that made me feel a bit funny. All I said was that I was thinking of contacting Dr. Ernest Fruge' and Christine Adams, my child psychologists in Houston, TX. I want my childhood records and any other records that I may be mentioned in; being in the field of Psychology, it is no large task for me to do so. But, the reactiojn of my mother was uncanny, to say the least. She asked me why I would want to do that. I told her, "Well, given my education I think it would give me alot of insight into myself." My mother, being the wonderful lay she is, volunteered some information. She said that I always felt threatened as a child, that I did not trust anyone including her. She said that I drew pictures of my family with everyone standing next to eachother and me over to the right in the form of a dog with a human head. I was absolutely floored by that! In my past, I have described my rolein the family as that of a dog, or a beast of burden, or even a neglected showdog... everyone's favorite when I was in the limelight of a social event, yet completely left in the kennel when not. I listened to her tell me things about myself that I guess I already knew deep down inside, but never engaged. As a psychology student approaching grad school, I can see a little more than the lay person. So, this tidbit of information made me more determined to find more pieces of my undisclosed biography. I ended up finding Dr. Ernest Fruge' with no problem what-so-ever. He even vaguely remembered me. It was interesting to see the workings of two psychology-oriented people speak; it was a fluent and meaningful conversation. I was analyzing him while he was analyzing me! It was neat! He asked me how I was doing and was surprised to see how well I am... I was like HUH??? He said that HE actually would worry about me and it used to make him question his professional detachment ability. He was deeply affected by my "talented and expressive way of conveying my emotions and thoughts". He admitted that he was almost sure that I would end up killing myself or someone else if I didn't find some outlet or peace in my life. I thought that was rather brazen of him to admit, but he isn't practicing privately anymore. He now works for Baylor School of Medicine in Houston, TX. He helps people deal with cancer-related tragedies and helping families cope with diagnosises.
He seemed very impressed with my aspirations and recognized the accomplishments that I achieved. It felt good to see that someone who actually understood psychology-based academics lingo. Long story- short, he is going to find my information and mail it to me pronto! I was exhilirated!!! He also told me that if I contact Chrisine Adams, his wife, that I can get any historical documentation where I am mentioned; I knew that I had rights to my personal records, but I didn't know that Texas law allows me to see any records where I am directly referred to... I was flabbergasted at his efficiency and willingness to help me. So, now I will not only get my own records, but any records that may deal with me as a child. What that equates to is: I will get to see a psychologists view of me and my situation at the time, with the bonus of being able to review insights from my parents' perspectives and personal views of me and themselves. Being a psychology major, I can read these documents with ease and interpret them much like my sister can with medical lingo. So, I am excited!!! I really hope that this information allows me the opportunity to fill in some of the emotional blanks that I have in my memory and in my life. After all, knowing one's self is knowing everything you really need to know!