Where's the 8 ball when I need it?!!!
Well, tomorrow I foind out if I will be able to leave the County of Bucks, PA and venture to far away places; I hope that I get a really cool parole officer... Doesn't this make me sound like a congenial parolee. I hate wearing the label of "parolee", but what else can you do when it is literally tattooed on you in unseen societal ink. At least it is like henna and dissipates with time. Speaking of time, in the meantime, I guess I must get used to a watchful eye hovering about my life, taking notes and urine samples between my classes or work breaks. I feel like I might be embarking upon a futuristic dream, or should I say nightmare, of a sort. I will be monitored... how closely? I do not know. Will I be surveilled? Will I have random chemical tests? Will strange men in suits ask odd questions about me to my co-workers, teachers, and friends feigning a laughable amount of discretion? These are the questions I will find out tomorrow. How long is the leash I am being put on? Do I have any expection or hope for an early relinguishment of my parole? I sure do have my hopes, fears, and ideas... I suppose only the "man" will know.
I have other concerns too. I try talking to people about them, but it is hard to express myself someitmes. I haven't exactly been in the mainstream of social fluttering. I find myself awkwardly phrasing a feeling or fear that strikes me when I hear myself say it... They just come out the wrong way. For example, I mean to say that I feel apprehensive about the possibility of attending grad school in San Diego, CA- 3500 miles from my home, family, and everyone and thing I know... What comes out: "I'm scared..." What kind of wussified jargon is this? I have become even more "socially retarded"... just a splendid catch prase picked up from one of my former genius shrinks... CRETONS!!!! I doubt any person who can anticipate a person's feelings to the extent that they are literally reading someone's mind is "retarded". Shit, if those bastards could have read mine, they'd put up extra boundaries!!! Lord knows when you feel like you know someone through their minds, it can sometimes feel like you are buddy-buddy with them and invading that person's boundaries is inevitable. My "social retardation" is also known as EMPATHY, you fools.... Anyway, I just wanted to rant for a sec. I am refocusing... LOADING............
Ok, Life is at a crossroad... I have no real idea where I want to be, what I want to do, or how I am going to find the mechanism by which to decide these facts. In a sense, my whole foundation has been blasted and I have to rebuild from the ground up. The question is: WHERE DO I BUILD? Then, WHAT DO I BUILD? I guess I will just see what schools accept me and go with whatever lace offers me the sweetest deal. If California is in my future, then I guess I must have faith in FATE to send me and keep me safe. But, I do have a hard time letting go. Sometimes, I feel like I have been so overly dominated in my previous life, that even a helping hand can seem oppressive... I have learned that sometimes it is best just to let go and soak in the scenery. One can find a lesson or at lest a little peace that way. It is just so difficult to relax. I come from the mindset where you are either full throttle on and aggressively attacking a goal or you are floating in the limbo of relaxation and utter abandon. This is another epiphany I have had. I need to learn to enjouy myself in the present, doing whatever I am doing, while I put things away for a pleasant future. I need to keep things light, but serious. Maybe I should adapt a Californian mindset... Wouldn't it be surreal to live out in California for a year and then see my family after that year. I'd be all Buddha Zen and chill. Everyone would swear I was abusing Xanax or Valium... LOL! Then again, I like to feel relaxed like that. Maybe I will just channel some energy in that direction and hope to tweak some karma to move my Fate in the direction of the West Coast.
What about the East??? Well, I have a few ideas. I have Temple University that I am considering. If I am accepted there, I will go there. I will probably get an apartment in a nice area of Philly and work, live, and go to school in the City of Brotherly Love. On the weekends, I will return to my home in the country or visit the parents and my sweet sister in Jersey. Trains can take me almost everywhere. If NO schools accept me, then I guess I have the opportunity to really think about my life and do something I have always wanted to do, as long as it is in the constraints of my parole... we musn't forget that LAME fucking, nose picking little drag of a tag-along... its like a curly redheaded brat that you are stuck with for a day that pick boogers and eat them while telling you what is " not nice" and that they are gonna tell everytime you fart sideways... Did Imention I added a diving board to my balcony... gotta practive those swan dives!!!! Anyway, I am hoping that my sis can find out something about a job in the hospital from one of her friends. So far, it seems like she might be having second thoughts. I hope that isn't the case. She was all gung-ho about the idea when it was coming out of her mouth; I got excited about it! But, then its like reality set in and she realizes that I would be working with Kev and she'd be a block away... Would I say things to her friends about her and Kev? Would I embarrass her? Would I ruin her rep like I supposedly did in school by doing some thing fucked up? HELL NO!!! But, I CAN see where she would worry... She already had some curry-eating, Shiva worshipping, son-of-a-slurpy machine ASSHOLE tell her friend that I "was a weirdo"... I'd like to see anyone sit in a 5 x 7 room in the boiling basement of a hospital with an undershirt, cashmere sweater and a wool blazer on and try to understand this Hindi speaking snob that makes digs at you like you are a moron. Condenscending bitches!!!! I hate 'em!!! But, that is why it is great to have a blog. I can rant, RANT, RANT and no one cares.. So, these are the things that occupy my mind currently. The glow of FREEDOM is fading with the arising question: What do I want to do with this new obtained FREEDOM!!!? I'd like to enjoy myself and also enrich my life... possibly both at once! My mind is clear and my drive is in gear, all I ned is a direction to start heading in... For now, I guess I am supposed to run around in circles so I can eye up the different paths that I have before me; I can choose one once I have a better idea where they all lead, how much work will be required, and how long until I get to the end of each path... I think those are important factors to have when making a life changing commitment to a new way of life. So, "WOOP!!!! DER IT IS!!!!!!"
I have other concerns too. I try talking to people about them, but it is hard to express myself someitmes. I haven't exactly been in the mainstream of social fluttering. I find myself awkwardly phrasing a feeling or fear that strikes me when I hear myself say it... They just come out the wrong way. For example, I mean to say that I feel apprehensive about the possibility of attending grad school in San Diego, CA- 3500 miles from my home, family, and everyone and thing I know... What comes out: "I'm scared..." What kind of wussified jargon is this? I have become even more "socially retarded"... just a splendid catch prase picked up from one of my former genius shrinks... CRETONS!!!! I doubt any person who can anticipate a person's feelings to the extent that they are literally reading someone's mind is "retarded". Shit, if those bastards could have read mine, they'd put up extra boundaries!!! Lord knows when you feel like you know someone through their minds, it can sometimes feel like you are buddy-buddy with them and invading that person's boundaries is inevitable. My "social retardation" is also known as EMPATHY, you fools.... Anyway, I just wanted to rant for a sec. I am refocusing... LOADING............
Ok, Life is at a crossroad... I have no real idea where I want to be, what I want to do, or how I am going to find the mechanism by which to decide these facts. In a sense, my whole foundation has been blasted and I have to rebuild from the ground up. The question is: WHERE DO I BUILD? Then, WHAT DO I BUILD? I guess I will just see what schools accept me and go with whatever lace offers me the sweetest deal. If California is in my future, then I guess I must have faith in FATE to send me and keep me safe. But, I do have a hard time letting go. Sometimes, I feel like I have been so overly dominated in my previous life, that even a helping hand can seem oppressive... I have learned that sometimes it is best just to let go and soak in the scenery. One can find a lesson or at lest a little peace that way. It is just so difficult to relax. I come from the mindset where you are either full throttle on and aggressively attacking a goal or you are floating in the limbo of relaxation and utter abandon. This is another epiphany I have had. I need to learn to enjouy myself in the present, doing whatever I am doing, while I put things away for a pleasant future. I need to keep things light, but serious. Maybe I should adapt a Californian mindset... Wouldn't it be surreal to live out in California for a year and then see my family after that year. I'd be all Buddha Zen and chill. Everyone would swear I was abusing Xanax or Valium... LOL! Then again, I like to feel relaxed like that. Maybe I will just channel some energy in that direction and hope to tweak some karma to move my Fate in the direction of the West Coast.
What about the East??? Well, I have a few ideas. I have Temple University that I am considering. If I am accepted there, I will go there. I will probably get an apartment in a nice area of Philly and work, live, and go to school in the City of Brotherly Love. On the weekends, I will return to my home in the country or visit the parents and my sweet sister in Jersey. Trains can take me almost everywhere. If NO schools accept me, then I guess I have the opportunity to really think about my life and do something I have always wanted to do, as long as it is in the constraints of my parole... we musn't forget that LAME fucking, nose picking little drag of a tag-along... its like a curly redheaded brat that you are stuck with for a day that pick boogers and eat them while telling you what is " not nice" and that they are gonna tell everytime you fart sideways... Did Imention I added a diving board to my balcony... gotta practive those swan dives!!!! Anyway, I am hoping that my sis can find out something about a job in the hospital from one of her friends. So far, it seems like she might be having second thoughts. I hope that isn't the case. She was all gung-ho about the idea when it was coming out of her mouth; I got excited about it! But, then its like reality set in and she realizes that I would be working with Kev and she'd be a block away... Would I say things to her friends about her and Kev? Would I embarrass her? Would I ruin her rep like I supposedly did in school by doing some thing fucked up? HELL NO!!! But, I CAN see where she would worry... She already had some curry-eating, Shiva worshipping, son-of-a-slurpy machine ASSHOLE tell her friend that I "was a weirdo"... I'd like to see anyone sit in a 5 x 7 room in the boiling basement of a hospital with an undershirt, cashmere sweater and a wool blazer on and try to understand this Hindi speaking snob that makes digs at you like you are a moron. Condenscending bitches!!!! I hate 'em!!! But, that is why it is great to have a blog. I can rant, RANT, RANT and no one cares.. So, these are the things that occupy my mind currently. The glow of FREEDOM is fading with the arising question: What do I want to do with this new obtained FREEDOM!!!? I'd like to enjoy myself and also enrich my life... possibly both at once! My mind is clear and my drive is in gear, all I ned is a direction to start heading in... For now, I guess I am supposed to run around in circles so I can eye up the different paths that I have before me; I can choose one once I have a better idea where they all lead, how much work will be required, and how long until I get to the end of each path... I think those are important factors to have when making a life changing commitment to a new way of life. So, "WOOP!!!! DER IT IS!!!!!!"
posted by virtual madness unleashed at 8:43 PM
2 Comments:
Dude, you're wiggin'. Chill. Do you not believe the words that come out of my mouth when I talk to you? I am not worried nor have I EVER been worried about anything you would say or do if and when you would possibly work in the general vincinity of me and Kev. And what delusion do you have about highschool and reputations? That's just ridiculous.
During those last 2 weeks I was with my old job, I could not get out to talk to Melz and when I did, I actually ran into a few of the neurophys. staff on the elevators and I would ask them where he was...he was out, he will be back later...those things did not fit into my time frame otherwise known as my lunch break. But while seeing Neurophys. staff I asked what the requirements were just to refresh my memory and see if anything changed and I did mention you were looking for a job...and they enthusiastically told me to talk to Melz...in which I'd reply, that's why I am trying to find him.
Now. On the personal note. We all use to go out and party together all the time and I am sure if the event came about we would all meet up again and go out depending on who could make it and how big of an event it would be...we are all still good friends,just time, circumstance alot of times prevents us from getting together. I did have his e-mail, phone number blah blah blah...BUT he recently went through a divorce, changing of houses, taking his old house back and had to change his numbers and such b/c he was getting harrassed by his ex-wife's kids...so when we meet and talk it is usually on the fly and Hey I'll catch ya later sort of thing.
Realizing that my time limit to catch him was coming to an end, I asked Kev to catch him and he did and that brings us to where we are now. To update your resume, call for an appointment to interview and go from there. So you can stop wiggin now.
Love,
Sis
LOL!!! Michele, I wrote this blog WAY before I talked to you! Look at the date that I wrote it; it is two days before I spoke with you on the phone and mentioned basically what I wrote about. I am not wigging anymore! LOL!
Post a Comment
<< Home