What is going on in my Life, RIGHT NOW!!!!
Well, this is an interesting and exhausting process to embark upon. I consider it a form of ALCHEMY, the process by which mideval chemists tried to turn worthless pieces of scrap metal into valuable gold of the highest quality. Though many alchemist have attempted to acheived this, few, if any, actually did. This is a variation of what I am attempting to do. I am attempting to turn my life of shit to gold without the magical touch of King Midas' finger or the perception altering power of drugs... I am trying to improve my life!!!
At this point in time, I am rather stuck in a self imposed rut. I help others, give pretty good advice, and am rather productive in entertaining people, but that is not very productive in my own life. I am house bound due to a DUI, that was and still is hypothetical, the legal ramifications of the said crime, and the unfortunate twist of a zero tolerance law of BUCKS COUNTY, PA that I applied in thick coats to my self by refusing to take a chemical test for alcohol consumption. The end result: House arrest for one year and loss of license for 28 months; indirect results: career demolishment (how can I be a realtor if I can not drive for 28 months?) and life crisis (how can I live in the boondocks without a license?)... one can see the dilemma I am in. Here is what I have done to try to ease this suffering.
I went bankrupt trying to ease the burden of my incarceration on one that was good enough to allow me to skip over jail imprisonment by letting me do the house arrest in his home. Ummm... I can't really think of anyone else that really has any right to claim sabotage other than my mother who claims that I deprived her of something when I went on house arrest... I feel for ya, MA, but, it is MY LIFE that is in shambles... Sorry that I deprived you of my monthly visit! Geez, I feel really guilty for ruining my life now! God forbid my mother can't go to the casinos and fixate on her pathological gambling with someone else... Tears fall from my ASS!!! Anyways, Eric gave up a global sabatical in which WE were supposed to venture to Thailand, Tahiti, Cambodia, Japan, Singapore, Italy, and Australia. He cut his Florida vacation short and went alone. He has endured financial and economic hardships due to my inability to generate revenue... AND HE had to deal with the emotional ramifications of my depression, self-loathing rages, and general emotional discord due to the neglect of certain people that "love me"... In short, the man is lucky he hasn't developed multiple personalities. (I am equally surprised that he, outside of the potential other personalities, do not hate my guts!!!) Eric has had a few mood swings and minor tiffs with me, but in general, the man is a saint. I MUST give him credit for that. He deserves more than I can give, especially in my broken and bankrupt state.... Thank GOD for my belief in Karma!!!! Hopefully, he will find a 38K diamond in the yard or something.... As for anyone else that thinks they have claim to injury, let me ask you how many times I have seen you in the past 9 months?! Hmmm... like twice! Once for Mothers Day and once for Father's Day! Oh yea, once so you could tell me face to face that you don't come around because I deprive YOU! Life must be wonderful with your head up your ass... Maybe I will try it one day... Onwards...
In an effort to better Eric's life, I brought my silent and awkward cousin, Alex into my home. That way at least Eric could have a month in the Florida sunshine with his boat. He loves his boat! Even though he is alone and would never postulate to interfere with my family's busy lifes, he had an okay time. Me, on the otherhand, almost went into utter and total melt down. I say this with the truest and most serious tenor my written word can muster: BEWARE THE SILENT ONES!!! For starters, EVERY SINGLE DINNER was grueling. She sat there completely silent, slunched over, eating like a felon, scared someone would take her chicken leg from her... sloppy, hurriedly, and most disgusting... Dinner time, once a time of celebration and a time always looked forward to became painful almost. Our dinners used to run for hours and were reduce to mere minutes... Alex is silent, for sure, but, that doesn't mean there is no activity behind those doe-like eyes. Let me tell you why silence is golden: YOU DON"T HEAR THE PATHETIC CRIES OF A PERSON WHO THINKS THE WORLD OWES THEM EVERYTHING AND THEN SOME ON A PLATINUM PLATTER!!! I mean it! I gave the girl everything I could, and it wasn't enough. Granny Boyle and Auntie Demon, oops... Diane, said that "ALEX wasn't there to do anything but babysit YOU!!!" My fucking lily white ass!!!! How the hell would they know? They were too busy wiping their brows in relief that someone else took on their dquadruple X problem. She was here to better her life! NO ONE, I mean NO ONE would take this girl in!!! However, I did. Her obligations were few by all standards and, actually, rather natural. 1) Bathe EVERY DAY!, 2) Take care of your self, your room, and your things, 3) Work on the goals that YOU devised!, and 4) Do your one simple chore of vacuuming ONCE A FUCKING WEEK!!! Ask me... did she do it? Hell, no! She would get in the shower, but the lazy water buffalo would not wash! She would waste the hot water by sitting in there and letting it run over her fatness and down the drain. How do I know? I smelled her and rigged the soap and her puff. It never moved. Did she take care of her things? Nope. Her room was kept orderly, but it was DIRTY! SHE was dirty! Bird shit was everywhere! (She wanted a bird, and I got her one... stupid me!) Her bed appeared to be made, but it wasn't... the comforter was pulled over the dicombobulated sheets. Her trash overflowed. Her dirty clothes piled up consistantly. There were also more disgusting and embarrassing issues involving pubic hair lying in clumps in the shower, tampon disposal, and other too-gross-to mention issues. The only thing she maintained was her computer's ON status... and my annoyance! Goals? What the fuck are those??? She is the laziest non-human I ever met! I had to call her school and get her transcripts for her, I had to call and set up her GED, I had to stay on her to bathe, clean her room, and do her wash... I had to rag on her to get her to study! Granted, she got great sores on her GED, but is that saying much when you consider the federal miminum requirements for a diploma??? Hell no! L-A-Z-Y, she ain't got no alibi! She didn't want to lose weight, she didn't want to learn anything... all she wanted to do was play on her damn computer and suck the life out of me. That is all she did. The only thing she succeeded in doing was annoy me to the point that I really do not care if I ever see her again. Ironically, my grandmother said the same thing... Hmmmm... This is the lady that can't wait to rub everyones nose in my cuz's stank ass anytime you try to talk about how proud you are of someone you love! Like we wanna hear about the cheese factory!!! Fuckin' MOOSE!!! Finally, do you think she EVER asked me if there was ANYTHING she could help ME WITH??? Hell motherfuckin' NO!!!!! She NEVER even said "thank you" for anything... unless it was food.. I mean it when I say I gave her anything she wanted! My credit card to go on shopping sprees, over $400 in cash for spending money, and just a general carte blanche to everything I own and have. NO ONE will EVER KNOW WHAT I WENT THROUGH HERE!!! That is just ONE reason why EVERYONE should shut the fuck up about what they think! I don't give a flying fuck what you think!!! This is MY LIFE and MY VENT!!! As you can see, there is a world of RAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR still left over.... Let me continue, and I will illuminate you!
Anyways, Alex was her almost seven months. I almost lost my mind. She would run out of the house and hide in the bushes when she knows that I need her here in the event that the County calls with a pop-up drug test, which could be at any time. She would stay up all night and into the morning and sleep all day when she is supposed to listen for the phone for me so I can maintain the yard and work outside during the day. She would pick out the lamest juvenile hideous movies for us to watch and then take her dinner into her room and stick me watching movies like The Land Before Time. (I'm fuckin' 30 years old!!! She is 20! WTF!) I tell her she needs to work on her hygiene, life skills, or taking some time off of the computer to actually live and she'd run down to the River for an hour or two... or she'd start blubbering about how victimized she is... or she'd clam up and not talk for a week. She even started playing these mind games with me. For example, she locked me in the basement and then started yelling that the phone was ringing... I had to open the knobless basement door with my TEETH!!! It got dangerous! My well-being was beginning to be threatened! (All because I wanted to help her!) Finally, Eric came home and I had to force a psychotic break upon myself in which I disassociated from my feeling towards my life. I lived without ANY self awareness for about a week. Alex left and went on a forced visit to her dear "mother"... At this point, Eric and I discussed it and came to the conclusion that she had to go... for her safety and my sanity! If you want to think of me as cruel, go ahead. I would rather be thought of as cruel than as a weakling... I still am battling issues that were perpetrated against me by her. Psychological games, and wars, and tauntings.... The girl is one big... make that VERY FUCKING BIG... paradox... She wants the rights and acceptance as an adult, but none of the responsibilities. She views herself as a vicitm, a chronic victim, in order to make guilt and pity her avenue by which to attain things because she is a lazy nothing. Blame is her way of life. If I had a mirror large enough to fit her reflection in, maybe we could have worked on it. Unfortunately, I lost a huge piece of myself with that ordeal that I fear I may not get back. Oh well, so be it. I am now fearful of living with people. YOU NEED A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION AND A CREDIT CHECK BEFORE YOU SET FOOT IN MY HOME AS A POTENTIAL RESIDENT NOW, IF AND ONLY IF I LET YOU GET THAT FAR!!! So, nine thousand dollars (I erased any credit card debt, paid for a major overhaul of her shitty van, bought her tons of clothes and cosmetics, bought her electronics upgrades and games, books, shoes, pets, and even female products) a near nervous breakdown, and seven months of ugh later, I decide I need to brighten my horizons with something hopeful; Life has slowly flushed itself along with the melancholy moose. Maybe I needed it. In the process, some good did come to pass... Let us leave the yuckiness behind me once and forever!!! From this point on, this is the final time I am going to address Alex and the hell I lived in ever again. "ALEX, I HOPE YOU DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE!!! FROM WHAT I HAVE SEEN, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO AMOUNT TO MUCH IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR SHIT TOGEHTER!!!" For anyone else, if you read this, don't bother asking me about it. I am going to force my reflexive psyche to get amnesia for those months and take her memory with it. Alexs no longer exists in me. Otherwise, I might go postal on your ass... if you mention it. Get the hint???! NO MORE ALEX!!!!
Anyway, I am a new person. As of 10/17/05, I have been dry and drug-free for 5 days shy of one year and four months (no pot or alcohol at all), I have been nicotine-free for over 4 months, and have recently reintroduced myself to the wonderful world of coffee. It was too hard to have coffee without a smoke for the longest time. Now, I tend to drink decaf, but will drink reg if I must. I have established better eating habits. I exercise. I have learned to cope with problems effectively, instead of drinking, drugging, or smoking them away. I write tons. I am more in touch with myself, a person I am coming to terms with and learning to love more each day. I am recognizing the losers and the wonderful people in my life. You know who and what you are!!! Finally, the aspect of my once shitty dead-end life that I am trying to turn into gold is the fact that I am appling to graduate school in my field of Psychology. Yes, Mr. Edward James Boyle III will be Dr. Edward James Boyle III in about 5-6 years from today. The schools I am applying to are as follows: Temple U., University of South Florida, U of Penn, University of California-San Diego, University of California-Santa Barbara, San Diego State, and possibly Princeton and Stanford, depending on my GRE (Graduate Record Exams). I take my GRE next monday and need to get at least a 1200 on. I will post my scores as soon as I get home. If I score the way I want to, I don't see how anyone can turn me down. Currently, I have great letters of recommendation, a great statement of purpose, a 3.65 general GPA and a 3.8 Psych. GPA, and a will that is amazing!!! If this pans out for me, my life will take off in an extraordinary academic and life adventure!!!! I am almost guaranteed to get at least one school to accept me, but we will see!!! So, if you read this and care, pray for me!!! God knows I have been doing alot of that myself!!! Oh yeah, I found God too! He was with me all this time and I just didn't know where to look.... Funny how life is! May yours be blessed and happy! May all your golden dreams become true and solid, like the future I am hoping for!!! From scrap tin to valuable gold... imagination, persistence, love for one's self, and faith in God can make the transition a reality and give your life the Midas touch!
At this point in time, I am rather stuck in a self imposed rut. I help others, give pretty good advice, and am rather productive in entertaining people, but that is not very productive in my own life. I am house bound due to a DUI, that was and still is hypothetical, the legal ramifications of the said crime, and the unfortunate twist of a zero tolerance law of BUCKS COUNTY, PA that I applied in thick coats to my self by refusing to take a chemical test for alcohol consumption. The end result: House arrest for one year and loss of license for 28 months; indirect results: career demolishment (how can I be a realtor if I can not drive for 28 months?) and life crisis (how can I live in the boondocks without a license?)... one can see the dilemma I am in. Here is what I have done to try to ease this suffering.
I went bankrupt trying to ease the burden of my incarceration on one that was good enough to allow me to skip over jail imprisonment by letting me do the house arrest in his home. Ummm... I can't really think of anyone else that really has any right to claim sabotage other than my mother who claims that I deprived her of something when I went on house arrest... I feel for ya, MA, but, it is MY LIFE that is in shambles... Sorry that I deprived you of my monthly visit! Geez, I feel really guilty for ruining my life now! God forbid my mother can't go to the casinos and fixate on her pathological gambling with someone else... Tears fall from my ASS!!! Anyways, Eric gave up a global sabatical in which WE were supposed to venture to Thailand, Tahiti, Cambodia, Japan, Singapore, Italy, and Australia. He cut his Florida vacation short and went alone. He has endured financial and economic hardships due to my inability to generate revenue... AND HE had to deal with the emotional ramifications of my depression, self-loathing rages, and general emotional discord due to the neglect of certain people that "love me"... In short, the man is lucky he hasn't developed multiple personalities. (I am equally surprised that he, outside of the potential other personalities, do not hate my guts!!!) Eric has had a few mood swings and minor tiffs with me, but in general, the man is a saint. I MUST give him credit for that. He deserves more than I can give, especially in my broken and bankrupt state.... Thank GOD for my belief in Karma!!!! Hopefully, he will find a 38K diamond in the yard or something.... As for anyone else that thinks they have claim to injury, let me ask you how many times I have seen you in the past 9 months?! Hmmm... like twice! Once for Mothers Day and once for Father's Day! Oh yea, once so you could tell me face to face that you don't come around because I deprive YOU! Life must be wonderful with your head up your ass... Maybe I will try it one day... Onwards...
In an effort to better Eric's life, I brought my silent and awkward cousin, Alex into my home. That way at least Eric could have a month in the Florida sunshine with his boat. He loves his boat! Even though he is alone and would never postulate to interfere with my family's busy lifes, he had an okay time. Me, on the otherhand, almost went into utter and total melt down. I say this with the truest and most serious tenor my written word can muster: BEWARE THE SILENT ONES!!! For starters, EVERY SINGLE DINNER was grueling. She sat there completely silent, slunched over, eating like a felon, scared someone would take her chicken leg from her... sloppy, hurriedly, and most disgusting... Dinner time, once a time of celebration and a time always looked forward to became painful almost. Our dinners used to run for hours and were reduce to mere minutes... Alex is silent, for sure, but, that doesn't mean there is no activity behind those doe-like eyes. Let me tell you why silence is golden: YOU DON"T HEAR THE PATHETIC CRIES OF A PERSON WHO THINKS THE WORLD OWES THEM EVERYTHING AND THEN SOME ON A PLATINUM PLATTER!!! I mean it! I gave the girl everything I could, and it wasn't enough. Granny Boyle and Auntie Demon, oops... Diane, said that "ALEX wasn't there to do anything but babysit YOU!!!" My fucking lily white ass!!!! How the hell would they know? They were too busy wiping their brows in relief that someone else took on their dquadruple X problem. She was here to better her life! NO ONE, I mean NO ONE would take this girl in!!! However, I did. Her obligations were few by all standards and, actually, rather natural. 1) Bathe EVERY DAY!, 2) Take care of your self, your room, and your things, 3) Work on the goals that YOU devised!, and 4) Do your one simple chore of vacuuming ONCE A FUCKING WEEK!!! Ask me... did she do it? Hell, no! She would get in the shower, but the lazy water buffalo would not wash! She would waste the hot water by sitting in there and letting it run over her fatness and down the drain. How do I know? I smelled her and rigged the soap and her puff. It never moved. Did she take care of her things? Nope. Her room was kept orderly, but it was DIRTY! SHE was dirty! Bird shit was everywhere! (She wanted a bird, and I got her one... stupid me!) Her bed appeared to be made, but it wasn't... the comforter was pulled over the dicombobulated sheets. Her trash overflowed. Her dirty clothes piled up consistantly. There were also more disgusting and embarrassing issues involving pubic hair lying in clumps in the shower, tampon disposal, and other too-gross-to mention issues. The only thing she maintained was her computer's ON status... and my annoyance! Goals? What the fuck are those??? She is the laziest non-human I ever met! I had to call her school and get her transcripts for her, I had to call and set up her GED, I had to stay on her to bathe, clean her room, and do her wash... I had to rag on her to get her to study! Granted, she got great sores on her GED, but is that saying much when you consider the federal miminum requirements for a diploma??? Hell no! L-A-Z-Y, she ain't got no alibi! She didn't want to lose weight, she didn't want to learn anything... all she wanted to do was play on her damn computer and suck the life out of me. That is all she did. The only thing she succeeded in doing was annoy me to the point that I really do not care if I ever see her again. Ironically, my grandmother said the same thing... Hmmmm... This is the lady that can't wait to rub everyones nose in my cuz's stank ass anytime you try to talk about how proud you are of someone you love! Like we wanna hear about the cheese factory!!! Fuckin' MOOSE!!! Finally, do you think she EVER asked me if there was ANYTHING she could help ME WITH??? Hell motherfuckin' NO!!!!! She NEVER even said "thank you" for anything... unless it was food.. I mean it when I say I gave her anything she wanted! My credit card to go on shopping sprees, over $400 in cash for spending money, and just a general carte blanche to everything I own and have. NO ONE will EVER KNOW WHAT I WENT THROUGH HERE!!! That is just ONE reason why EVERYONE should shut the fuck up about what they think! I don't give a flying fuck what you think!!! This is MY LIFE and MY VENT!!! As you can see, there is a world of RAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR still left over.... Let me continue, and I will illuminate you!
Anyways, Alex was her almost seven months. I almost lost my mind. She would run out of the house and hide in the bushes when she knows that I need her here in the event that the County calls with a pop-up drug test, which could be at any time. She would stay up all night and into the morning and sleep all day when she is supposed to listen for the phone for me so I can maintain the yard and work outside during the day. She would pick out the lamest juvenile hideous movies for us to watch and then take her dinner into her room and stick me watching movies like The Land Before Time. (I'm fuckin' 30 years old!!! She is 20! WTF!) I tell her she needs to work on her hygiene, life skills, or taking some time off of the computer to actually live and she'd run down to the River for an hour or two... or she'd start blubbering about how victimized she is... or she'd clam up and not talk for a week. She even started playing these mind games with me. For example, she locked me in the basement and then started yelling that the phone was ringing... I had to open the knobless basement door with my TEETH!!! It got dangerous! My well-being was beginning to be threatened! (All because I wanted to help her!) Finally, Eric came home and I had to force a psychotic break upon myself in which I disassociated from my feeling towards my life. I lived without ANY self awareness for about a week. Alex left and went on a forced visit to her dear "mother"... At this point, Eric and I discussed it and came to the conclusion that she had to go... for her safety and my sanity! If you want to think of me as cruel, go ahead. I would rather be thought of as cruel than as a weakling... I still am battling issues that were perpetrated against me by her. Psychological games, and wars, and tauntings.... The girl is one big... make that VERY FUCKING BIG... paradox... She wants the rights and acceptance as an adult, but none of the responsibilities. She views herself as a vicitm, a chronic victim, in order to make guilt and pity her avenue by which to attain things because she is a lazy nothing. Blame is her way of life. If I had a mirror large enough to fit her reflection in, maybe we could have worked on it. Unfortunately, I lost a huge piece of myself with that ordeal that I fear I may not get back. Oh well, so be it. I am now fearful of living with people. YOU NEED A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION AND A CREDIT CHECK BEFORE YOU SET FOOT IN MY HOME AS A POTENTIAL RESIDENT NOW, IF AND ONLY IF I LET YOU GET THAT FAR!!! So, nine thousand dollars (I erased any credit card debt, paid for a major overhaul of her shitty van, bought her tons of clothes and cosmetics, bought her electronics upgrades and games, books, shoes, pets, and even female products) a near nervous breakdown, and seven months of ugh later, I decide I need to brighten my horizons with something hopeful; Life has slowly flushed itself along with the melancholy moose. Maybe I needed it. In the process, some good did come to pass... Let us leave the yuckiness behind me once and forever!!! From this point on, this is the final time I am going to address Alex and the hell I lived in ever again. "ALEX, I HOPE YOU DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE!!! FROM WHAT I HAVE SEEN, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO AMOUNT TO MUCH IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR SHIT TOGEHTER!!!" For anyone else, if you read this, don't bother asking me about it. I am going to force my reflexive psyche to get amnesia for those months and take her memory with it. Alexs no longer exists in me. Otherwise, I might go postal on your ass... if you mention it. Get the hint???! NO MORE ALEX!!!!
Anyway, I am a new person. As of 10/17/05, I have been dry and drug-free for 5 days shy of one year and four months (no pot or alcohol at all), I have been nicotine-free for over 4 months, and have recently reintroduced myself to the wonderful world of coffee. It was too hard to have coffee without a smoke for the longest time. Now, I tend to drink decaf, but will drink reg if I must. I have established better eating habits. I exercise. I have learned to cope with problems effectively, instead of drinking, drugging, or smoking them away. I write tons. I am more in touch with myself, a person I am coming to terms with and learning to love more each day. I am recognizing the losers and the wonderful people in my life. You know who and what you are!!! Finally, the aspect of my once shitty dead-end life that I am trying to turn into gold is the fact that I am appling to graduate school in my field of Psychology. Yes, Mr. Edward James Boyle III will be Dr. Edward James Boyle III in about 5-6 years from today. The schools I am applying to are as follows: Temple U., University of South Florida, U of Penn, University of California-San Diego, University of California-Santa Barbara, San Diego State, and possibly Princeton and Stanford, depending on my GRE (Graduate Record Exams). I take my GRE next monday and need to get at least a 1200 on. I will post my scores as soon as I get home. If I score the way I want to, I don't see how anyone can turn me down. Currently, I have great letters of recommendation, a great statement of purpose, a 3.65 general GPA and a 3.8 Psych. GPA, and a will that is amazing!!! If this pans out for me, my life will take off in an extraordinary academic and life adventure!!!! I am almost guaranteed to get at least one school to accept me, but we will see!!! So, if you read this and care, pray for me!!! God knows I have been doing alot of that myself!!! Oh yeah, I found God too! He was with me all this time and I just didn't know where to look.... Funny how life is! May yours be blessed and happy! May all your golden dreams become true and solid, like the future I am hoping for!!! From scrap tin to valuable gold... imagination, persistence, love for one's self, and faith in God can make the transition a reality and give your life the Midas touch!
posted by virtual madness unleashed at 1:02 PM
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