Humour is found in the strangest places... (For my Sister, Echele...)

The smell of bacon cooking is so heavenly. I like BLTs with crisy bacon, extra mayo, and a bit of vinegar... especially in the morning. I make my sandwich and pour the grease in a coffee cup for later disposal. Usually, I throw it in the toilet and flush it away, but my housemate is taking a shower. My housemate doesn't eat bacon... He had a high cholesterol level a few months back; his veins are getting clogged with gunk from animal fat. I live in his house. Finally, he gets out of the bathroom and I can dispose of my bacon fat. My house mate goes down to the basement to get his clothes out of the dryer with a towel wrapped around him. The septic tank lines get clogged with shit and explodes in the basement all over my "springtime fresh" white wash waiting admittance to the dryer. He yells up to me, I go running to the basement, and then to the bathroom dry heaving at the sight of a big morning turd sitting happily on my whites. My housemate follows me upstairs with a quirky smile. I settle my stomach and return to the kitchen just in time to see him raise the warm cup of "coffee" that he thinks I put out for him. "Cheers!" To shitty white wash, burnt sputtering lips, and the inevitable way pipes of any sort get clogged in life!


Currently, my mother and sister are in Florida. Originally, the reason was an urgent flight to see my grandmother through heart surgery. Luckily, everything went fine with our grandmother and the trip ended up being down-time for the two ladies... they could use a vacation. My mother can visit her beloved relatives and my sister can bask in the warmth of the Florida sun and Aunt Debbie's good ol' southern hospitality. Meanwhile, life is as usual up north for me. I am on house arrest for a year, safe to say I am almost 3/4 of the way done. I live vicariously through the travels of others and spend my days content with the domestic life and staring out the window at a world I used to take for granted... much like a house cat. Hell, a turd in the litter box might as well be a gold nugget because it gives me something new to do! Unfortunately, the litter box is only the metaphorical equal to my life... previously shitty, sparkling clean and fresh now, and expecting the inevitable rain of shit due to the natural course of life... I tell ya, I am making strives to ditch the litter box-life! I am moving forward with my plans and staying positive. I have been applying to graduate schools in Southern California, and Florida. After my stay in the Keystone State of incarceration, I can't get far enough away! I don't care if I EVER see another Amish person or shoefly pie again! Birch beer, pretzels, and Octoberfest can kiss my lily white ass as I head either West or South!!! I am confident that the University of California-San Diego or Santa Barbara will look favorly on my application... if they don't, I am sure the University of South Florida will! Hell, they don't usually get great students like me. I am in the top 10% of college grads... my GPA was 3.64 general, and 3.75 major!!! UCSB wrote me a nice e-mail urging me to send them my letters of reference. USF sent me one asking for my legality clearance... apparently, both schools are interested in me for entry to their PhD progam in Clinical Neurocognitive Psycology. I can't wait to accept and get the hell away from Pennsylvania! I will miss the Delaware River, but piss on the rest of it! Who do I get a request for my first interview with!???? Temple University in Philadelphia, PA! Joy.


Cat piss!!! All I can smell is cat piss!!! I dont know if one sprayed my hand while I was sleeping and I inadvertantly wiped my nose, but all I can smell is cat piss today!!! Let me tell you, I have six furry felines and NEVER has my home smelled like cat piss! It is the ONLY unspoken rule of this house that my cats have! My bitches, Miss Vanna, Le Mon, Rimbaud the Lover, Renoir the Cow, The Shar-Lee, and The Dubious Doo-boo know better! Why do I smell cat piss???
Well, I tore the house apart and discovered that my housemate's room is where one or more of my bitches have taken toilet residence! In the corners, among the piles of books and papers next to mountains of dirty clothes, vacation toiletries, and power tools, someone had squatted with tail in the air and PISSED!!! I seldomly venture into the private domain of my housemate... because I respect him, but mostly because I am on house arrest for 3 more months, I'd hate to get lost in the mest for a decade or two! No wonder the persed-lip particular puss squatted and pissed! It is a MESS! So, I made it my goal to remedy the cat proclaimed litterbox living space of the mess, clutter and odor!!!
Five trash bags, 4 hours of organizing and reorganizing, 3 times over with the vacuum cleaner, and a search, spray and scrub session with Lysol AND Resolve Carpet Stain Remover, I was ready to break out the Bissell Carpet cleaner to eradicate the foul memory of puss piss poking me in the nose screaming "OLD LADY GHETTO HOUSE!!!!!" All I had to do was go switch the the bed sheets I so charitably threw in the laundry for my housemate... primitive tribes in New Guinea would have tied these sheets to a tree, set them aflame, and danced around them to ward off the evil spirits these sheets possessed! I just used alot of bleach and soap... however, I did have to coax the sheets into the basement with promises of candy and carnival rides. But, they were sucessfully cleaned now. The life that dirt, stale human flesh oils, and stale drool of a man whose breath could knock a horse out was finally exorcised! Into the dryer they went with the promise of crisp freshness! The house was airing out, the cats were banned, and the odor was gone... all that was necessary was steam cleaning the musk oil that only a cats can smell from the carpet that said "PEE HERE!!!" in cat launguage. I went upstairs and walked through the door I had held open to air out and the house seemed to welcome me with the smell of freshness. I grabbed the steam cleaner from the closet, read the directions, and followed them on how to prepare. I was surveying the carpet, making my course of cleaning when I saw him.
There in the corner between the wooden file cabinet and closet was Doo-boo, looking as devious as ever, pissing down the vent!!! The little bastard had planned a winter -time wonder! The approaching fall ushered in the season that we would usually stoke up the fireplace, but the fireplace was out of commission. So, we use propane heat through a central air delivery system. The orange tabby terror figured he would fill the house with his musky piss smell! I locked eyes with the squatting feline. His ears were halfway back as he continued to obstinantly piss down the vent with a look of defiance in his yellow eyes! "DOOBIE!!!", I screamed. He only furrowed his brow and finished. Then he started to run off with his tail sticking straight up in the air like the middle finger. All my efforts reduce to a fucked-up feline flick-off!!? Hell NO!!! I grabbed that long-ass tail as if it were a handle and carried him straight to the bathroom. INTO the toilet went the lanky cat that thought himself to be a lion. I shut the lid and flushed for extra affect. "WHOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!" resonanted in a loud but muffled cry from the light blue bowl of the commode that I sat on. I flushed again for affect. I shut the bathroom door and took my foot of the toilet lid. When he pushed his way out I sprayed him with my cheapest cologne. The wet cat didn't huddle in the corner scared, he somehow scrambled up the wall and out the window and ran into the yard slinging water from his long tail. I have to admit, I laughed myself silly. Most people would declare, ANIMAL CRUELTY!!!!! But, you bitches don't know if this is a ture story or the manifesto of my literary genius! So, keep on reading and shut the fuck up! (But, you know the truth, my green-eyed twin.... oh, yes you do! :P)
So, I went to the basement and opened the master vent to my housemates section of our A-frame. Then, I poured cinnamon scented multipurpose cleaner down the vent... guaranteeing a nice aroma by the time winter's cold arrives. I finished my carpet cleaning with a attack of the chuckles every so often. I even looked out the window occasionally for a pissed puss annoyed and all spiky, low slung from being wet. Never saw him. I knew he would eventually come around to eat. He DEFINITELY wouldn't piss in the house again. Over dinner five hours later, my housemate commented on how nice his section looked and smelled. I lectured him about the virtue of cleanliness and accepted the gratitude. I mentioned it was Doo-boo that was pissing in the house and how it was unacceptable. He said that agreed and said we should keep the cats out for a while. I smiled silently. He mentioned seeing Doo-boo on my balcony briefly about 10 minutes ago, but the cat bolted out the door upon being looked at. I smiled silently still, not wanting to confess my juvenile hazing of the adolescent feline. We watched a movie or two and it was time for bed. I said goodnight to my housemate and he wandered half-asleep to his clean and fresh smelling room. I went upstairs and was greeted by Miss Vanna peering in at me from my balcony. I went out and scratched her on the head and said goodnight to her. When I turned around, there was Doo-boo looking up at me with a challenging glint in his eye... the kind of glint a cocky teenager has before his buddies come out of the shadows and demand your wallet. Then he jumped on a branch that grew close to my balcony and descended to the ground. I returned inside and shut my balcony screendoors. I stripped to my boxers and sat on my bed, pulled my covers back and slid between them. As I was easing myself down for a goodnights sleep, I flicked the light switch off. Upon placing my head on my soft down pillow, my eyes shot open and I inhaled deeply through my nose. CATPISS!!!! I remembered that look in Doobie's eyes on the balcony.... CAT PISS!!! I threw my pillow to the ground. CAT PISS!!! I knew Doo-boo was smiling that arrogant cat-smile in the dark. He obviously sprayed the entire area where my head is when I sleep... pillow, blankets, matress, even the wall!!! They all smelled, as I lay in bed trying to sleep that night, of vindictive, premeditated CAT PISS!!!!