A new face to the same dilemma...

An asteroid is labelled outside of the earths hemispheres, and a hemmoroid is found outside ones asshole... is there a connection? Words are funky... they can convey so much meaning. A simple inflection can make all the difference in the world. I am bored. I am bored. I AM BORED!

For my dear Aunt Deb... (a paralegal):
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!!!!!

For my dear sister.... (MY hair is black now!):
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
she called me to get my phone number.
she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
she tried to drown a fish.
she thought a quarterback was a refund.
she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
she tripped over a cordless phone.
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
she studied for a blood test.
she thought Meow Mix was a dance CD for cats.
when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home...

For my cuz, Kimmy Poo (You wanna be a redneck?):
Redneck Valentine's Poem
Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue, And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May.You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway. You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan.Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud;I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.
And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore.'Cuz you married me back in '94.
Still them fellers at work they all want to know,What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,To patch up life's troubles and stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud,Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.You ain't mean like no far ant upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid,You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old like a '57 Chevy,Won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank,We go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;They git it at Wal-Mart; It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day,From the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth."Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these will not do.For you are too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odour,Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor.

For my other cuz, the Bird:
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"The Doctor nods, "Hmm."Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?""Hmm," says the Doctor,He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?""No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more."Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling."Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on.He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily."If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer"What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily."Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you yell, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle."