Once black, never back!!!! (Thanks Deb!!!! )

Well, here is the before and after pic of my hair... Yes, I dyed it black... I like it. It makes me feel all mysterious. Ya know, it may be true that blondes have more fun, but brunettes are smart enough to keep their fun to themselves. LOL So, I was a little nervouse today getting it dyed. It was the first time I ever dyed my hair. I have bleached it before, but never dyed it a permanent color. Somehow, it was liberating.
"You want highlights, do ya?", the stylist asked me.
I stared at my reflection in the mirror longing for some dramatic change that would excite my afternoon. After all, it was the one day a week that I get the chance to go out for three hours! Yay, three hours of freedom!!!!! House arrest is mutating me...
"Ya know... what would you say if told you to dye it black?", I asked the stylist through the mirror. She was facing me so I felt like I was talking to the back of her head in the reflection.
"Oh, I think it would look right as rain. " she said.
I switched my gaze to look her in the face, eye to eye. I can usually tell if someone is being sincere that way. I was not sure about this stylist. I looked into her face and one eye looked to the left and the other looked above my head. I was like, "Shit."
"Its hair...", she said, "it will grow back."
Yes it will... in a year or two, if I am lucky. I examined my everincreasingly wide forehead. Yep, a chopper could land on it. All it needed was a flagman to wave it in from the bridge of my nose. What the fuck. I never got to grow my hair long. I never got to be wild with my appearance. The wildest I ever got landed me at the doctors office getting first aid ointment on my earlobe; I peirced it with a safety pin when I was 10. It got infected and blew up to the point I thought Goodyear was gonna commision me to put its logo on it. I stared long and hard in the mirror contemplating, as the stylist stared at the floor somewhere behind me and at the clock... at the same time.
"Lets go for it.... you only live once!" I announced.
Immediately, the stylist disappeared and was mixing up the dye behind a curtain. Finally, after about 10 minutes she appeared with a bowl of lard-looking stuff and a paint brush. She started putting it on thick and even. It felt cool and slimy. I actually liked it. I closed my eyes and imagined myself in the south of France, basking in the Mediterranean sun. I was actually relaxing. I felt brave. I felt excited and kinda scared all at once. I kept my eyes closed and relaxed deeper. I almost heard the ocean waves and the Riveria's hot sun on my head... wait! That heat is real! I felt a heat rising from my head and opened my eyes. MY HAIR WAS BLUE!!!! Dark, dark, dark, blackish blue!!!! Oh shit! I was seeing what color my mother was gonna turn me when she sees what I did!!!!!
"MISS!!!"" OH MISS!!!!!!" HEYYyyyyyy!!!!" I called out kinda frantically.
The cock-eyed cutter appeared from the back room holding a Twinkie and was wiping the corner of her mouth.
"Yea?" She said, looking at the ceiling with one eye and at my right shoulder with the other.
"Why am I blue???", I asked.
"Die or sit up and wait...." she mumbled at me with bits of golden Twinkie falling into her hand.
"HUH???", I asked slowly shaking my head, "What did you say?"
The lazy eye was now looking at me as she cocked her head to her right and swallowed.
"Dye has to set up.... wait.", she said. Then she told me that it all looks like that at first and she disappeared behind the curtain again to the back area.
I trusted her. So, I closed my eyes and tried to conjure back my relaxed mood. I couldn't see the French Mediterranean anymore, but I COULD see my stylist with huge googly eyes glued to her head.... I snickered in my chair. I hope that my stylist's hair talents were better than her legal vision status.
Finally, the "DING!!!" of a timer sounded and she once more appeared smiling. She coaxed me over to a basin chair and washed out the dye. Then, she said it looked good... natural. I was relieved, but not completely. God only knows what looked natural to her. I wanted to see it for myself. After about 5 minutes of washing and conditioning and drying, my biopic barberer directed me back to my styling chair. I looked in the mirror and saw a person I thought I recognized. It was me with black hair and something else... I had eyebrows!!!! She dyed my eyebrows and I could actually see them. I have really cute eyebrows, if I do say so myself. I was happy with the cut, the dye, and spent the rest of the time up till she called me over to pay wiggling my eyesbrows up and down in different goofy and sexy expressions.
I like the hair. I am not convinced that I will keep it forever, but for now I am really happy with it. Leave a comment of what you think!!!! Who knows, once the color neutrilizes and looks more natural in like 48 hours, I may decide once black never back... at least to blonde!

Humour is found in the strangest places... (For my Sister, Echele...)

The smell of bacon cooking is so heavenly. I like BLTs with crisy bacon, extra mayo, and a bit of vinegar... especially in the morning. I make my sandwich and pour the grease in a coffee cup for later disposal. Usually, I throw it in the toilet and flush it away, but my housemate is taking a shower. My housemate doesn't eat bacon... He had a high cholesterol level a few months back; his veins are getting clogged with gunk from animal fat. I live in his house. Finally, he gets out of the bathroom and I can dispose of my bacon fat. My house mate goes down to the basement to get his clothes out of the dryer with a towel wrapped around him. The septic tank lines get clogged with shit and explodes in the basement all over my "springtime fresh" white wash waiting admittance to the dryer. He yells up to me, I go running to the basement, and then to the bathroom dry heaving at the sight of a big morning turd sitting happily on my whites. My housemate follows me upstairs with a quirky smile. I settle my stomach and return to the kitchen just in time to see him raise the warm cup of "coffee" that he thinks I put out for him. "Cheers!" To shitty white wash, burnt sputtering lips, and the inevitable way pipes of any sort get clogged in life!


Currently, my mother and sister are in Florida. Originally, the reason was an urgent flight to see my grandmother through heart surgery. Luckily, everything went fine with our grandmother and the trip ended up being down-time for the two ladies... they could use a vacation. My mother can visit her beloved relatives and my sister can bask in the warmth of the Florida sun and Aunt Debbie's good ol' southern hospitality. Meanwhile, life is as usual up north for me. I am on house arrest for a year, safe to say I am almost 3/4 of the way done. I live vicariously through the travels of others and spend my days content with the domestic life and staring out the window at a world I used to take for granted... much like a house cat. Hell, a turd in the litter box might as well be a gold nugget because it gives me something new to do! Unfortunately, the litter box is only the metaphorical equal to my life... previously shitty, sparkling clean and fresh now, and expecting the inevitable rain of shit due to the natural course of life... I tell ya, I am making strives to ditch the litter box-life! I am moving forward with my plans and staying positive. I have been applying to graduate schools in Southern California, and Florida. After my stay in the Keystone State of incarceration, I can't get far enough away! I don't care if I EVER see another Amish person or shoefly pie again! Birch beer, pretzels, and Octoberfest can kiss my lily white ass as I head either West or South!!! I am confident that the University of California-San Diego or Santa Barbara will look favorly on my application... if they don't, I am sure the University of South Florida will! Hell, they don't usually get great students like me. I am in the top 10% of college grads... my GPA was 3.64 general, and 3.75 major!!! UCSB wrote me a nice e-mail urging me to send them my letters of reference. USF sent me one asking for my legality clearance... apparently, both schools are interested in me for entry to their PhD progam in Clinical Neurocognitive Psycology. I can't wait to accept and get the hell away from Pennsylvania! I will miss the Delaware River, but piss on the rest of it! Who do I get a request for my first interview with!???? Temple University in Philadelphia, PA! Joy.


Cat piss!!! All I can smell is cat piss!!! I dont know if one sprayed my hand while I was sleeping and I inadvertantly wiped my nose, but all I can smell is cat piss today!!! Let me tell you, I have six furry felines and NEVER has my home smelled like cat piss! It is the ONLY unspoken rule of this house that my cats have! My bitches, Miss Vanna, Le Mon, Rimbaud the Lover, Renoir the Cow, The Shar-Lee, and The Dubious Doo-boo know better! Why do I smell cat piss???
Well, I tore the house apart and discovered that my housemate's room is where one or more of my bitches have taken toilet residence! In the corners, among the piles of books and papers next to mountains of dirty clothes, vacation toiletries, and power tools, someone had squatted with tail in the air and PISSED!!! I seldomly venture into the private domain of my housemate... because I respect him, but mostly because I am on house arrest for 3 more months, I'd hate to get lost in the mest for a decade or two! No wonder the persed-lip particular puss squatted and pissed! It is a MESS! So, I made it my goal to remedy the cat proclaimed litterbox living space of the mess, clutter and odor!!!
Five trash bags, 4 hours of organizing and reorganizing, 3 times over with the vacuum cleaner, and a search, spray and scrub session with Lysol AND Resolve Carpet Stain Remover, I was ready to break out the Bissell Carpet cleaner to eradicate the foul memory of puss piss poking me in the nose screaming "OLD LADY GHETTO HOUSE!!!!!" All I had to do was go switch the the bed sheets I so charitably threw in the laundry for my housemate... primitive tribes in New Guinea would have tied these sheets to a tree, set them aflame, and danced around them to ward off the evil spirits these sheets possessed! I just used alot of bleach and soap... however, I did have to coax the sheets into the basement with promises of candy and carnival rides. But, they were sucessfully cleaned now. The life that dirt, stale human flesh oils, and stale drool of a man whose breath could knock a horse out was finally exorcised! Into the dryer they went with the promise of crisp freshness! The house was airing out, the cats were banned, and the odor was gone... all that was necessary was steam cleaning the musk oil that only a cats can smell from the carpet that said "PEE HERE!!!" in cat launguage. I went upstairs and walked through the door I had held open to air out and the house seemed to welcome me with the smell of freshness. I grabbed the steam cleaner from the closet, read the directions, and followed them on how to prepare. I was surveying the carpet, making my course of cleaning when I saw him.
There in the corner between the wooden file cabinet and closet was Doo-boo, looking as devious as ever, pissing down the vent!!! The little bastard had planned a winter -time wonder! The approaching fall ushered in the season that we would usually stoke up the fireplace, but the fireplace was out of commission. So, we use propane heat through a central air delivery system. The orange tabby terror figured he would fill the house with his musky piss smell! I locked eyes with the squatting feline. His ears were halfway back as he continued to obstinantly piss down the vent with a look of defiance in his yellow eyes! "DOOBIE!!!", I screamed. He only furrowed his brow and finished. Then he started to run off with his tail sticking straight up in the air like the middle finger. All my efforts reduce to a fucked-up feline flick-off!!? Hell NO!!! I grabbed that long-ass tail as if it were a handle and carried him straight to the bathroom. INTO the toilet went the lanky cat that thought himself to be a lion. I shut the lid and flushed for extra affect. "WHOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!" resonanted in a loud but muffled cry from the light blue bowl of the commode that I sat on. I flushed again for affect. I shut the bathroom door and took my foot of the toilet lid. When he pushed his way out I sprayed him with my cheapest cologne. The wet cat didn't huddle in the corner scared, he somehow scrambled up the wall and out the window and ran into the yard slinging water from his long tail. I have to admit, I laughed myself silly. Most people would declare, ANIMAL CRUELTY!!!!! But, you bitches don't know if this is a ture story or the manifesto of my literary genius! So, keep on reading and shut the fuck up! (But, you know the truth, my green-eyed twin.... oh, yes you do! :P)
So, I went to the basement and opened the master vent to my housemates section of our A-frame. Then, I poured cinnamon scented multipurpose cleaner down the vent... guaranteeing a nice aroma by the time winter's cold arrives. I finished my carpet cleaning with a attack of the chuckles every so often. I even looked out the window occasionally for a pissed puss annoyed and all spiky, low slung from being wet. Never saw him. I knew he would eventually come around to eat. He DEFINITELY wouldn't piss in the house again. Over dinner five hours later, my housemate commented on how nice his section looked and smelled. I lectured him about the virtue of cleanliness and accepted the gratitude. I mentioned it was Doo-boo that was pissing in the house and how it was unacceptable. He said that agreed and said we should keep the cats out for a while. I smiled silently. He mentioned seeing Doo-boo on my balcony briefly about 10 minutes ago, but the cat bolted out the door upon being looked at. I smiled silently still, not wanting to confess my juvenile hazing of the adolescent feline. We watched a movie or two and it was time for bed. I said goodnight to my housemate and he wandered half-asleep to his clean and fresh smelling room. I went upstairs and was greeted by Miss Vanna peering in at me from my balcony. I went out and scratched her on the head and said goodnight to her. When I turned around, there was Doo-boo looking up at me with a challenging glint in his eye... the kind of glint a cocky teenager has before his buddies come out of the shadows and demand your wallet. Then he jumped on a branch that grew close to my balcony and descended to the ground. I returned inside and shut my balcony screendoors. I stripped to my boxers and sat on my bed, pulled my covers back and slid between them. As I was easing myself down for a goodnights sleep, I flicked the light switch off. Upon placing my head on my soft down pillow, my eyes shot open and I inhaled deeply through my nose. CATPISS!!!! I remembered that look in Doobie's eyes on the balcony.... CAT PISS!!! I threw my pillow to the ground. CAT PISS!!! I knew Doo-boo was smiling that arrogant cat-smile in the dark. He obviously sprayed the entire area where my head is when I sleep... pillow, blankets, matress, even the wall!!! They all smelled, as I lay in bed trying to sleep that night, of vindictive, premeditated CAT PISS!!!!

Recycled Life

A fiery phoenix, reborn from the ash,
once flew high above the river bed.
Then like a bug to the oncoming dash,
a fiery phoenix got squashed dead.
Smoldering feathers fall to the sand
scattering upon a scorched up land.
Without even the chance to soar high,
Without even the chance for one battlecry.
The machinery of man has grounded it
and reduced it into a bound box of shit
wrapped up neatly with a bright red bow
and delivered to the door of my favorite foe.
Devoured, digested, in a defecated state...
Cooped up, kept down, in isolated hate...
Words can not express what I must satiate...
Bodies have burned from what I radiate...
Black clouds please let go of your reign
and let my tears fall upon my burnt pain.
Heal the cracks left by this drought
and end this insane isolated bought.
I cradle my bones to hold in the cry
of a fiery phoenix that was shot down from the sky.

The Toll of Payment

Like anything else in Life, what you do sets out on a path and moves molecules like dominos around the universe; here I am, thinking I am clever, and end up right back in the receiving end of guilt. I was plagued. Therefore, I plague, causing my parents to be plagued. Now, I am plagued again. The whole karma deal... interesting how quickly it works. My dharma must not be very backed up! LOL For those who know eastern philosophy, you should get a chuckle out of that.
Anyway, the idle mind surely is the Devil's playground... in my situation, the Devil and I are staring at each other on this damn see-saw going up.... then down.... then up.... then down.... I can practically hear the squeak of the ungreased rockerbar! Well, I guess the Devil really got off on my last stunt. I thought I did for a sec. Then, I realized that I was on the ground going, "What the HELL just happened???" I guess I wasn't as smart as I thought I was. Well... was I??? I suppose time has a way of smoothing out the wrinkles.

California Dreaming

The sun beat down upon me in a gentle, yet intense, light. The sky was a blue azure of the purest and deepest richness; the sea, the sky's slightly younger sibling, mimiced the brilliant blue. The air swirled in sweet breezes around me. The scents of jasmine, salt water, and grass layed out a perfectly exotic palette for my sense. The sea crashed upon the red sienna cliffs and roared softly, lulling me into a semiconscious state. Ocassionally, the breakers would errupt from the meeting of land and ocean spraying fine mists of salt water into the air; momentary rainbows accompanied the sea's baptism upon my brow and then dried as quickly as they landed. I leaned against the rail overlooking the cove, staring at the endless beauty of the world.
Above me, a seagull cried out in a mournful tone as he hovered in the breeze.
The breeze did for the seagull what it was doing for me. The seagull was being carried by the breeze, by the nonstop zephyr that came from the West and flew towards the East. All the seagull had to to was keep its wings spread and the breeze did the rest. The sea air kept the bird in suspended animation in the California sun over the waves, cliffs that gave way to grass, and me. Like kites, the seagull and I were both caught in this West Coast breeze that pushed us East. The seagull seemed better than me at navigating the easterly force. My melismatic enjoyment of this Western world was momentarily embittered as I realized that it was not mine. I was from a land where attitude and boisterousness were the colors of nature. Funny how autumn in the East is so novel. People flock to see the fleeting colors of Fall. The trees turn ambers, red, and golds. Fools the Easterners are. There are colors all year round. They just can not compete with the boisterous personalities and large attitudes that steal attention away from them. Maybe that is why the cities in the East are so gray. I turned to face the coast I originated from... the East Coast.
Before me, was LaJolla. I saw no reminent of the East, only the park with its swaying palm trees and Myrtle trees, a symphony of exotic colors that the flowers expressed year round, and the occasional gazeebo that offered lovers a romantic place to make memories. On the otherside of the park, was the quaint town of LaJolla itself. The town was dressed in white lights and offered coffee houses, bistros, and wonderful little nooks to steal away from the California sun and have a drink or two. Terra cota roofs, adobe-like stucco, and lush landscaping finished the vision of perfection. I stared at the scene before me for a while. I contemplated the nature of perfection until the white stucco of one particular building aged to a handsome gold. Perfection had arrived. I turned back to the sea.
Sea mist kissed my face and welcomed me to the vista of another Southern California sunset. The sky was painted unimaginable variations of the spectrum in perfect shades. The water darkened to deep sapphire and reflected the sky's colors in a multitude of shimmering jewels. The seagull, still hovering above me had moved more high in the sky and cried out. It was expressing my own setiments. Heaven! Slowly, people silently accumulated along the rails in enclaves that peppered the border to the sea. Some held hands and cuddled, others stood in awe, and I breathed in deeply hoping each breath would bring the beauty around me into myself forever. My heart knew this place was home, which confounded my logic. I wanted to incinerate the memory of an East Coast and dwell forever, live forever, in the colors of the sunset. The sun sank beneathe the line where the sea and sky met. A surreal quality infused the air, but it was cast upon me from lights of white and manmade energy.
I turned from the sea and walked back to the car I rented. It was Halloween. I knew that one day I would return and call this place home. I met my friends, Fran and Emily, at the van I ended up getting in lieu to a compact car from the rental company. Silently, we filed in and drove away. We drove east. One word muttered, as if squirming its way out of my soul and through my teeth, "One day..."

A Stupid Mistake With Even Stupider Consequences

Here is a lesson for those of us that are unfortunate enough to reside in the wonderful Keystone State: NEVER REFUSE A CHEMICAL BLOOD TEST!!!! If you do, you will end up like me on house arrest. It has turned my life upside down, robbed me of the only thing that I ever truly had (emotional efficacy) and made me dependent beyond pathetic constraints... Currently, I hate my life almost as much as I hate the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania! I hope you motherfuckers choke on my monthly $300 money order and it gives you the shits so bad that your bureaucracy has to wait in line for the toilet! The upside of it is that I have a great CCO and no ankle bracelette... Beat that, Martha!!!!
In the meantime, very few people have come to my lonely aid. My dear sweet sister has come to see me the most. My other family came up on Mother's Day because of a shin-dig that my wonderful sister threw together for my dubious mother... Yes, she IS dubious!!!! I am trapped in a house in the middle of NOWHERE with a big fat oaf of a cousin... well, that isn't true, life became too horrid to bare and instead of swan diving, in perfect form, from my second story balcony, I asked her to PLEASE GET THE FUCK OUT!!! So, now I am left with only the shell chock of a 20 yr old woman who doesn't know how to make a sandwich for herself, let alone bathe, be courteous enough to lend a helping hand, or even have the grace to say "thank you" once in a while... here's some irony, the moose ended up working at a Wawa making sandwiches... WTF!!!! So, now it is just me and my personalities here ... AND WE ARE PISSED!!!!
PS (If you are wondering where all my poetry went... I had to take it down. I am sending it off for publication... not that any of you skank asses commented. Oh yeah, one person and my sweet sister! Roo, if you are reading this, "YOU FUCKING ROCK OUT!!!!! KEV TOO!!!! (and stop biting your nails)....