Well, off I go to FL!!!!

In the end of the day, one can see how far they have walked or ran if they just turn around. Usually people tend to think they are running in place until they happen to glance back. Today was my moment to do so. I have seen ways that I have learned new things about myself; for example, I think I am beginning to become a bit more patient. I think tha tI have the ability to let live and live, as backwards as it sounds... I don't really buy into the gossip that surrounds me anywhere near as much as usual. I also am becoming a bit more independent with my thoughts and actions. I think one way this is showing is that I actually ask for help like I need it instead of acting like I am so overwhelmed that my near 1 million IQ is burnt out... so, please help me! I think it is neat to ask people for their opinion and help. Today, I asked my sis to help me understand a few things about why people think the way they do.... PEOPLE ACTUALLY ARE HUMAN!? LMSAO!!!! You know what I am talking about , Roo! Well, I am ready to relax in the Sunshine State. I do, however, have a tendency to wonder what it would be like if my twin sistah was next to me on the plane! But, she is embarking a journey of her own. I am sure that hers will be just as rewarding, and probably alot more beneficial to her than mine. SO, GO ROOOOOO!!!!! I will call you when I get into FL!!!!!

Where's the 8 ball when I need it?!!!

Well, tomorrow I foind out if I will be able to leave the County of Bucks, PA and venture to far away places; I hope that I get a really cool parole officer... Doesn't this make me sound like a congenial parolee. I hate wearing the label of "parolee", but what else can you do when it is literally tattooed on you in unseen societal ink. At least it is like henna and dissipates with time. Speaking of time, in the meantime, I guess I must get used to a watchful eye hovering about my life, taking notes and urine samples between my classes or work breaks. I feel like I might be embarking upon a futuristic dream, or should I say nightmare, of a sort. I will be monitored... how closely? I do not know. Will I be surveilled? Will I have random chemical tests? Will strange men in suits ask odd questions about me to my co-workers, teachers, and friends feigning a laughable amount of discretion? These are the questions I will find out tomorrow. How long is the leash I am being put on? Do I have any expection or hope for an early relinguishment of my parole? I sure do have my hopes, fears, and ideas... I suppose only the "man" will know.

I have other concerns too. I try talking to people about them, but it is hard to express myself someitmes. I haven't exactly been in the mainstream of social fluttering. I find myself awkwardly phrasing a feeling or fear that strikes me when I hear myself say it... They just come out the wrong way. For example, I mean to say that I feel apprehensive about the possibility of attending grad school in San Diego, CA- 3500 miles from my home, family, and everyone and thing I know... What comes out: "I'm scared..." What kind of wussified jargon is this? I have become even more "socially retarded"... just a splendid catch prase picked up from one of my former genius shrinks... CRETONS!!!! I doubt any person who can anticipate a person's feelings to the extent that they are literally reading someone's mind is "retarded". Shit, if those bastards could have read mine, they'd put up extra boundaries!!! Lord knows when you feel like you know someone through their minds, it can sometimes feel like you are buddy-buddy with them and invading that person's boundaries is inevitable. My "social retardation" is also known as EMPATHY, you fools.... Anyway, I just wanted to rant for a sec. I am refocusing... LOADING............

Ok, Life is at a crossroad... I have no real idea where I want to be, what I want to do, or how I am going to find the mechanism by which to decide these facts. In a sense, my whole foundation has been blasted and I have to rebuild from the ground up. The question is: WHERE DO I BUILD? Then, WHAT DO I BUILD? I guess I will just see what schools accept me and go with whatever lace offers me the sweetest deal. If California is in my future, then I guess I must have faith in FATE to send me and keep me safe. But, I do have a hard time letting go. Sometimes, I feel like I have been so overly dominated in my previous life, that even a helping hand can seem oppressive... I have learned that sometimes it is best just to let go and soak in the scenery. One can find a lesson or at lest a little peace that way. It is just so difficult to relax. I come from the mindset where you are either full throttle on and aggressively attacking a goal or you are floating in the limbo of relaxation and utter abandon. This is another epiphany I have had. I need to learn to enjouy myself in the present, doing whatever I am doing, while I put things away for a pleasant future. I need to keep things light, but serious. Maybe I should adapt a Californian mindset... Wouldn't it be surreal to live out in California for a year and then see my family after that year. I'd be all Buddha Zen and chill. Everyone would swear I was abusing Xanax or Valium... LOL! Then again, I like to feel relaxed like that. Maybe I will just channel some energy in that direction and hope to tweak some karma to move my Fate in the direction of the West Coast.

What about the East??? Well, I have a few ideas. I have Temple University that I am considering. If I am accepted there, I will go there. I will probably get an apartment in a nice area of Philly and work, live, and go to school in the City of Brotherly Love. On the weekends, I will return to my home in the country or visit the parents and my sweet sister in Jersey. Trains can take me almost everywhere. If NO schools accept me, then I guess I have the opportunity to really think about my life and do something I have always wanted to do, as long as it is in the constraints of my parole... we musn't forget that LAME fucking, nose picking little drag of a tag-along... its like a curly redheaded brat that you are stuck with for a day that pick boogers and eat them while telling you what is " not nice" and that they are gonna tell everytime you fart sideways... Did Imention I added a diving board to my balcony... gotta practive those swan dives!!!! Anyway, I am hoping that my sis can find out something about a job in the hospital from one of her friends. So far, it seems like she might be having second thoughts. I hope that isn't the case. She was all gung-ho about the idea when it was coming out of her mouth; I got excited about it! But, then its like reality set in and she realizes that I would be working with Kev and she'd be a block away... Would I say things to her friends about her and Kev? Would I embarrass her? Would I ruin her rep like I supposedly did in school by doing some thing fucked up? HELL NO!!! But, I CAN see where she would worry... She already had some curry-eating, Shiva worshipping, son-of-a-slurpy machine ASSHOLE tell her friend that I "was a weirdo"... I'd like to see anyone sit in a 5 x 7 room in the boiling basement of a hospital with an undershirt, cashmere sweater and a wool blazer on and try to understand this Hindi speaking snob that makes digs at you like you are a moron. Condenscending bitches!!!! I hate 'em!!! But, that is why it is great to have a blog. I can rant, RANT, RANT and no one cares.. So, these are the things that occupy my mind currently. The glow of FREEDOM is fading with the arising question: What do I want to do with this new obtained FREEDOM!!!? I'd like to enjoy myself and also enrich my life... possibly both at once! My mind is clear and my drive is in gear, all I ned is a direction to start heading in... For now, I guess I am supposed to run around in circles so I can eye up the different paths that I have before me; I can choose one once I have a better idea where they all lead, how much work will be required, and how long until I get to the end of each path... I think those are important factors to have when making a life changing commitment to a new way of life. So, "WOOP!!!! DER IT IS!!!!!!"

FREE!!!!

YO MUDDA FUDDAS!!!! I BE FREE AT LAST!!!!!

Countdown as of 2/11/06 @ 2:00am

Freedom is almost in my grasp!!!! Just SIX HOURS TO GO!!!! WOOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!
Ironically, my first day of freedom is to be ushered in by the first great snow storm of the season... Will that stop me??? HA HA HA!!! YEA RIGHT!!! I am going OUT!!! Making snow angels, letting the white splendor of a new life fall upon me like millions of frozen kisses from those angels I am going to create the likenesses of!!! My entire form will have the halo of Life's exuberance and hope eminating from every pore! I am ready to commit my existence to a positive track or achievement...

and then I won't be able to get out of the driveway.
:)

Dawn of Hope

Dark and silent mounds above the misty river's veil
starring at stars that fall in glittering vanishing trails.
The ebony cloak of a fleeting time,
the indigo sky, a spectral pantomime.
The roar of the river joins the calls of the trees
that whisper in secrets told upon the breeze.
The regal deer lift their heads from their drink,
deeper into their nests the sleepy birds sink,
nocturnal critters scamper on tiny chilled feet,
these are the metranomes of Life's eternal beat.
As the sky blushes in its pink and yellow haze,
over the mountains the sun peaks in morning's first rays.
The waters sparkle awakened by the light
and the heavens turn blue swallowing the night.
The bells in the birds throats begin to ring
waking the world with the songs that they sing.
The green grass is refreshed and bright with dew
and the world smells sweet, fresh, and new.
Yet, this moment seems frozen as time ticks away.
No longer is it night, yet to early to be day.
The new slate is clean and presented for display
for Life to write a new chapter in a never-ending play.
Promise is abundant, as Hope is a platform for dreams
that must be built upon as initiative deems.
Silent serenity in a natural world yeilding
to the hand of man for mankind's wielding.
May the day bring surprises to great for the guessing
and may it be received as the truest great blessing.

Free at Last

The doors swing open
to a new era of me.
The cold breeze of hope in
a swealtering plea.
May this be the last
tragedy of this kind.
Sewn and bound in a time past,
I file this year away in my mind.
Sterile walls of a familiar cell
are adorned by new growth and direction.
Formulate a new future to fortell
in a refreshing predilection.
I've bided my time
by writing the ryhme
of a metamorphosis
conjured my me
in my time of need.
I need no sorceress.
There is magic in the Will
and power in Drive.
When all you have is time to kill,
guess who will survive.
Then again, maybe I died
and gave birth to a new idea of me
leaving my old husk aside
after I ripped through it to be free.
This is my declaration
of this new spell I cast
and the consecration
of being free... free at last!

Freedom

Object of betrayal within my tightened fist
squirm and writhe, encircling my stony wrist.
Once I hold you, I shall never let go...
The ways in which I'll use you, only I may know.
Stretch you out and wrap myself within
this new shroud of politically labelled skin...
I wear you well and shall never overlook
this priviledge that I must have mistook
as a right, as a intricle part of ME...
This thing called FREEDOM..
Can be taken so permanently.
I always believed it was mine from birth,
but, now I know... it is not of this Earth.
One is not born with it... we are not free!
Freedom is a priviledge crafted by society.
This is the lesson I have come to know.
Beaten and tatooed by it.. by them.. by all... does it show?

Freedom Countdown as of 2/10/06

Well, today is the last day of my old life; I am free in 10 hours, 17 minutes, and 15 seconds... Wooooooooo-mutha-fuckin-hoooooooooo! With my first taste of freedom, I am gonna go to Disney Land... SIKE! But, I will try to go to Florida for a week or three!!!!! FREE AT LAST!!!!

Freedom Countdown as of 2/8/06 @ 10:54pm

As of right now, I have one day, twenty two hours, six minutes, and fourty-five seconds unil FREEDOM!!!!!

Two down, four to go!

Well, unfortunately, I have heard back from yet ANOTHER school that has denied me access to their PhD program in neuropsychology; I can say that the prognosis is starting to worry me... The University of South Florida, one of the schools I was banking on, has "regretted" me as of 12 noon this cold February day. This leaves two schools in Cali (San Diego State University & University of California-Santa Barbara), one school in PA (Temple Univ.), and my mystery school... Hopefully, SOMEONE will accept me.
If acceptance to grad school is not in my cards, then I must come up with a back-up plan. Fortunately, if I am "regretted" by all, the back-up plan can be whatever I want it to be. Therefore, I guess my default endeavor will be to find work in a place where I do not need a car. So, I am thinking of getting a job in Philly, which is between my parent's home and my home; a quick train ride can take me to either place. I suppose I can even move to Florida and work too! I could use some Sun and Fun in the Sunshine State, plus ther eare many family members there that are highly supportive of me and most likely willing to take a refugee of sorts for a few weeks. So... Here's to the future!!!! I hope that a school sees me fit to join their program! But, I am willing to use the degrees that I already have to once again start putting together applications once more for grad school in psychology. Two down, four to go!

One down, Five to go!!!!

Well, the University of California-San Diego wrote me via email and let me know that they did NOT grant me acceptance into their PhD program in Neurocognitive psychology. For some reason, I am oddly relieved. I do not feel sad in the least. Maybe it was always a fantasy or a distraction. Who knows... But, I still have two more California schools to go, one Philly school, one Florida school, and one secret school that I haven't told anyone about... Time will tell!