I fell into the Sea

Pools of blue shimmering ice
chill me till I'm sore.
Fiery touch, so warm and nice,
burn me to my core.
Soft petals of a masculine rose,
lips so soft and wet,
embrace and trace my own
and makes me completely forget...
What was I saying?
Who am I?
My heart keeps playing
the same fast lullaby.
Within, without me,
I fell so unfathomably whole.
Near me, hear me...
this jubilation inside my soul!
Love is grand and life is better
than I ever knew it could be.
The ocean's sand, soft and wetter
collapses beneath me.
Another wave sends me reeling
in this swoon that I am feeling,
until I lay on the beach so prone...
tired, hot, and never alone.
You are the Sun!
You are the Sky!
You are EVERYTHING
that shines in my eye
of a deeper and richer blue...
within is the reflection of solely YOU!

Update...

Hey BlogReaders! Today is the first day that I have written in a VERY long time; I have much interesting news to detail.
I have just returned from an.... ummmm... INTERESTING... trip from Colorado with my housemate. We both had altitude sickness very bad. I didn't suffer near as much as he. But, I wasn't spared the horrifying embarrassment when he started blowing chunks off the chairlift! I just pretended to be looking out at the gorgeous mountains, even though the echoing resoundment of my housemate'w gut-wrenching heaves were rather apparent... plus, the bile material showering the slope and skiers below. It was surreal! LOL!
Now, back at home, I feel rather good being 250ft above sea-level, as opposed to 12, 998 ft. above the majestic sea. My house if fine, my cats are fine, and my new flame is SOOOOO FUCKING FINE!!!! MAN, IS HE FINE! All I have to do is think of him and I tingle.... LOL!
I know, I know... I sound completely irrational and rathe pathetic in my infatuation and emotional overembellishment, but HE MOVES ME!!!! If you only knew HOW he moves me.... he he he! Well, that is all I am going to tell you bitches. The rest is left to the imagination, even though your imaginations WILL fall short in comparison to my reality. HINTL: My nickname is "Gumby" and his is "Pokey"... do the math and stew in your envy!!!!! LOL! Enough for now. I will post more later! Till then, stay tuned and enjoy! :)

Time of Change

Well, I have alot going on... a dying "relationship", a job offer in a Southern state, a pending interview, and the possibility of relocation.... i guess, it is more of an INEVITABILITY! In one to two months, I will once again head south to Florida. I should have been a Canada Goose. You can hear me honking high above you on those dark, cold, autumn nights; it would be me saying, GOD DAMN!!! It's cold up here and that asshole at the front of the V is too damn slow!!!!!"

I have written a multitude of poems, but I dont feel much like posting them right now. I am not in the best of moods and the only reason why I truly am on here now is to waste time and bide it until it is safe to go downstairs without me killing someone or maiming myself in the process. UGH! I must concentrate on the future and bring it into reality. But, I have my concerns... they aren't really fears per say, but the erode my consciouness in strange ways.

Will I ever get out of this situation that I call my "Unlocked Cage"? Do I REALLY want to? Am I just bored and unstimulated in an "old shoe" relationship- comfy, but OH SO DAMN PREDICTABLE!!!? Am I unsatisfiable? Soooooooo many questions.... Will I be able to stand on my own and claim the life I so want and envisualize for myself? Will I ever be as happy as I want to be? Will my ever-increasing mood swings and Jacob's Ladder paradigm switches settle into one even playing feild that satisfies me completely? Will people, especially family, stop taxing me so? Will I stop letting them? Am I making a mistake? The funny thing is that I get the feeling I am going to resent myself or someone else no matter what I do, achieve, or fail at... What does that mean? I think I am so used to never having to take responsibility for myself that it has become second nature and that line between me and my not-so-significant other has faded into a sort of meshment... But, that is Life... and I have a tendency to over think things. God, are you there?

All I DO know is that there are few people I can trust with my heart... that is becoming more and more clear to me. Maybe I should have left it frozen in the tundra of opportunism... Then again, it just seems everyone is out for themselves. No one seems REAL to anyone else. People take advantage of eachother... people hurt... people get over it and do it again... I don't want to be that. I have never felt incomplete without someone in my life; the irony is that I feel incomplete WITH someone in my life. I feel like an extension of someone else's life. I am a lap dog that gets fed VERY well, but never petted. The odd thing is that I choose to be this lap dog. Deep within me is a bloodhound that can and always have had a knack for sniffing out opportunities... I think my decision to get up off the floor, leave the feet of my icy master, and run amuck with my nose in the air IS A GREAT IDEA!!! -even if it is just for exercise... though, I am not sure if the door will be open for me to return. Oh, the trappings of decisions. My propensity to stress is amazing... If I caould bottle it, I KNOW I could make millions with our Department of Defense... talk about a major chemical weapon! But, I digress... I have my anchors... I love them too. My beautiful, talented, and soulful sister is my main anchor. She is my rock and my bestfriend. I hurt when I think about leaving her proximity. But, at least I will be somewhere she frequently goes and can easily make room for her when she visits... that way she doesn't have to spend all her time with more distant family and their dramas. My other anchor is EVERYWHERE... I call it WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeed!!!! LOL! Just kidding... God. Faith. Acceptance of Fate.... weed too! I ascribe all of those to spiritual direction. However, I am a powerful person and I am my worse enemy... I must remember that at all times. I usually get what I want because I don't stop until I get it... I just have to surround myself with the right people and focus on what is truly meaningful to me, never letting my self-esteem fluctuate; I sometimes do things below myself when I feel below myself. THAT is my biggest fear. I don't want to be the middle age loser that is constantly relying on others to bail me out. I think I have done ok... but, my safety nets have always been in place. If I choose to fly solo, there is nothing beneath me except the cold hard ground. Well, here's to flappin'!!!!!!! Zugenrue will win this battle in my heart, I know it and accept it. So, a Souther flight is inevitable. When is the question.

I AM BACK!!!!

Hello, to all of you that have been reading my writing... I am back for a spell. I have had a very busy year or two. Currently, I am back in Bucks County and ready to embark on yet another adventure... wanna go with me? I will be going to Tampa, FL for a job... that is, if I get it! AND I WILL!

Worms!!!

The demonstration began. Everyone huddled close to the podium. A man entered and told the congregating listeners that he had a demonstration that would "change your lives and the way you think about sin!!!" As the crowd anticipated the revelation that would so improve upon their lives, the man on stage produced three glass jars. He pulled a box out of his breast coat pocket just as everyone was wondering what the jars were for. The man cleared his thoat.
"Ummmm hmmmm... Here I have three jars," he yelled, "in each of them, I shall place a live worm."
As the man cried to the crowd, he removed a worm the box and placed it in one of the jars. He pointed at the crowd, looked impetuously upon the people, and pointed to the jars with his eyes following his out stretched index finger. Almost accusingly, the man pointed at the three jars in which each held a live wriggling worm. He plead to the crowd once again.
"Inside each of these jars is a life- a sacred life!!! These lives are sin free and healthy. Now, let us fill each of these jars up with sin and see what happens, my brothers and sisters. What shall we fill them up with... "
The man repeated the question and began to take hands for suggestions on which sins to put in the jar. The first man, a toothless man in a straw hat yelled, "The demon, alcohol!!!" The second person chosen was a lady with huge lens glasses and a deep hoarse voice; she bellowed, "Smoking!!!" The third and final sin was chocolate syrup; a cute little boy in the front row screamed it over and over until the man on stage gave in. With the three sins chosen, the man nodded and raised his hands to the crowd.
"Let's just see what happens to Life is we fill its world with sin. Let's put some whiskey, cigarette smoke, and chocolate syrup in the jars with the worms and see what happens to them. Let's meet back in fifteen minutes", the man looked at his watch as he fumbled with the lid on the first jar.
After fifteen minutes, the congregation had reformed in its group and were noisily chatting amongst themselves when the man appeared back at the podium.
"Now, brothers and sister, let us see what sin has done to these lives. Let's see if the worms are alive after fifteen minutes of sin", he lamented as he dunscrewed the lids of the jars.
The worm in the first jar emerged limp, smelling of whiskey, and clearly dead. The second jar yeilded a discolored worm that appeared dehydrated. Out of the third jar came a dead worm messy with chocolate and a bit plumper than it was when it was first put in the jar. The man looked at the people's faces and saw the message registering. He praised the Lord and opened his hands to crowd asking,
"What have we learned today about sin, my brothers and sisters??? Anyone???, he asked as he gazed at each face in the congregation. Finally, from the very back of the crowd came a crotchety voice. "I'll tell ya, mister!!!".
The crowd cleared as they looked back at who had spoken up. It was a little old lady with grey hair and huge "virtual reality" sunglasses. She stoop there in pause with her finger pointing up as if she had the knowledge of the universe. Finally, she spoke loud and clear so that everyone could hear her. She said,
"This lesson taught us that sin is sin no matter what, but whiskey, smoking, and chocolate will get rid of worms!!!"

Time keeps slipping... into the future???

Well, I am back and in full swing of getting my life together. So far, EVERY grad school I have applied to has REJECTED ME!!! But, that isn't going to stop me from truckin' along. I have a fall back plan that has evolved into my primary plan by default. I am applying for a position as an IOM (Intraoperative Monitor). This job requires me to monitor the homeostatic waves of people that are being operated on. There are numerous types of this procedure and I am hoping that I get into one of them... specifically, a company named SENTIENT. My beloved sister, ECHELE, put in a good word for me to her friend and I applied. I sent my resume and college transcript in, but have not heard a YAY or NAY as of yet. I really hope, pray, will, and invoke via voodoo magic that this job pans out for me. HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO REVIEW A RESUME!!!? The anticipation is KILLING me softly with EVERY mutha fuckas song!!!!! LOL! Yes, I am weird, but I am also original! So, I am a month into my parole. My spirits are high. I am awaiting the word to begin working my ass off to remedy the slings and arrows of a past that almost killed me. I don't think I have EVER been so positively charged!!! The key word here is POSITIVELY... Lord knows, I am charged by my nature and usually am a bit chaotic... but, not as of lately. I have been minding my own life and putting so much effort into it that I am beginning to look at my life as a work of art!!!! I just hope the canvas doesn't split down the middle because of the pressure I apply my colors thickly upon it with!!! So, HERE's TO LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS!!!!!!

I AM BACK!!!!

Well, Bloggers.... I am back from my excursion into the wild. Being released back into the wild was an interesting event. I didn't realize how safe and sane I was during my house arrest; Ironically, I thought that the act of staying in my home for a whole year would fragment me only to find that it has solidified me more than I ever could have imagined. PEOPLE ARE FUCKED UP OUT THERE!!!!! I really mean it! I think everyone should go through this emotional and physical location deprivation that I have. It really clears things up... THere are people out there that might as well be buried. THere is no cheer in their lives, no spark, no dreams, no anythng but a repetition that the would rather forget... leaving them what??? Dreams???? If that. If I ever get to that degree of hopelessness and misplaced direction, SHOOT ME IN THE EAR WITH A FLARE GUN!!!!! It appears that EVERYWHERE I have gone, I see zombies.... Yes, they are definitely more appealing than those that we see on Dawn of the Dead, but not very much more alive. THey are imitations of life. How can someone fool themselves into thinking they are alive when they are so desensitized from what keeps them tingling and happy? I don't get it!!! If a routine, job, person, or existence is going to make me retire into a constant state of emotional or physical fatigue, if my life becomes something that I try daily to avoid, or if I bare down on others around me to escape the cries of my inner self.... here comes the swan dive in perfect form from my balcony!!!! TRIPLE AXEL SWAN DIVE WITH A TWIST!!!! Life is there to be lived. Not to be tortured by or to waste in such a haphazard form.... Suffer the little children because they are the ones who will learn how to live from a generation of zombies led by our modern media and pharmaceutical corporations.... drugged and placed in front of the television... programmed by programming.... seems all to familiar. What about nature? What about art? What about the GREAT OUTDOORS? What about activity? What about LOVE? What about family? What about GOD!!!? Geez, what about the poor ass dog?! If your DOG is depressed, there is something definitely wrong! Cats... they leave. If your cat leaves you or your dog is chronically depressed, seek help IMMEDIATELY!!!! WAKE UP WORLD!!!! WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!!!

Well, off I go to FL!!!!

In the end of the day, one can see how far they have walked or ran if they just turn around. Usually people tend to think they are running in place until they happen to glance back. Today was my moment to do so. I have seen ways that I have learned new things about myself; for example, I think I am beginning to become a bit more patient. I think tha tI have the ability to let live and live, as backwards as it sounds... I don't really buy into the gossip that surrounds me anywhere near as much as usual. I also am becoming a bit more independent with my thoughts and actions. I think one way this is showing is that I actually ask for help like I need it instead of acting like I am so overwhelmed that my near 1 million IQ is burnt out... so, please help me! I think it is neat to ask people for their opinion and help. Today, I asked my sis to help me understand a few things about why people think the way they do.... PEOPLE ACTUALLY ARE HUMAN!? LMSAO!!!! You know what I am talking about , Roo! Well, I am ready to relax in the Sunshine State. I do, however, have a tendency to wonder what it would be like if my twin sistah was next to me on the plane! But, she is embarking a journey of her own. I am sure that hers will be just as rewarding, and probably alot more beneficial to her than mine. SO, GO ROOOOOO!!!!! I will call you when I get into FL!!!!!

Where's the 8 ball when I need it?!!!

Well, tomorrow I foind out if I will be able to leave the County of Bucks, PA and venture to far away places; I hope that I get a really cool parole officer... Doesn't this make me sound like a congenial parolee. I hate wearing the label of "parolee", but what else can you do when it is literally tattooed on you in unseen societal ink. At least it is like henna and dissipates with time. Speaking of time, in the meantime, I guess I must get used to a watchful eye hovering about my life, taking notes and urine samples between my classes or work breaks. I feel like I might be embarking upon a futuristic dream, or should I say nightmare, of a sort. I will be monitored... how closely? I do not know. Will I be surveilled? Will I have random chemical tests? Will strange men in suits ask odd questions about me to my co-workers, teachers, and friends feigning a laughable amount of discretion? These are the questions I will find out tomorrow. How long is the leash I am being put on? Do I have any expection or hope for an early relinguishment of my parole? I sure do have my hopes, fears, and ideas... I suppose only the "man" will know.

I have other concerns too. I try talking to people about them, but it is hard to express myself someitmes. I haven't exactly been in the mainstream of social fluttering. I find myself awkwardly phrasing a feeling or fear that strikes me when I hear myself say it... They just come out the wrong way. For example, I mean to say that I feel apprehensive about the possibility of attending grad school in San Diego, CA- 3500 miles from my home, family, and everyone and thing I know... What comes out: "I'm scared..." What kind of wussified jargon is this? I have become even more "socially retarded"... just a splendid catch prase picked up from one of my former genius shrinks... CRETONS!!!! I doubt any person who can anticipate a person's feelings to the extent that they are literally reading someone's mind is "retarded". Shit, if those bastards could have read mine, they'd put up extra boundaries!!! Lord knows when you feel like you know someone through their minds, it can sometimes feel like you are buddy-buddy with them and invading that person's boundaries is inevitable. My "social retardation" is also known as EMPATHY, you fools.... Anyway, I just wanted to rant for a sec. I am refocusing... LOADING............

Ok, Life is at a crossroad... I have no real idea where I want to be, what I want to do, or how I am going to find the mechanism by which to decide these facts. In a sense, my whole foundation has been blasted and I have to rebuild from the ground up. The question is: WHERE DO I BUILD? Then, WHAT DO I BUILD? I guess I will just see what schools accept me and go with whatever lace offers me the sweetest deal. If California is in my future, then I guess I must have faith in FATE to send me and keep me safe. But, I do have a hard time letting go. Sometimes, I feel like I have been so overly dominated in my previous life, that even a helping hand can seem oppressive... I have learned that sometimes it is best just to let go and soak in the scenery. One can find a lesson or at lest a little peace that way. It is just so difficult to relax. I come from the mindset where you are either full throttle on and aggressively attacking a goal or you are floating in the limbo of relaxation and utter abandon. This is another epiphany I have had. I need to learn to enjouy myself in the present, doing whatever I am doing, while I put things away for a pleasant future. I need to keep things light, but serious. Maybe I should adapt a Californian mindset... Wouldn't it be surreal to live out in California for a year and then see my family after that year. I'd be all Buddha Zen and chill. Everyone would swear I was abusing Xanax or Valium... LOL! Then again, I like to feel relaxed like that. Maybe I will just channel some energy in that direction and hope to tweak some karma to move my Fate in the direction of the West Coast.

What about the East??? Well, I have a few ideas. I have Temple University that I am considering. If I am accepted there, I will go there. I will probably get an apartment in a nice area of Philly and work, live, and go to school in the City of Brotherly Love. On the weekends, I will return to my home in the country or visit the parents and my sweet sister in Jersey. Trains can take me almost everywhere. If NO schools accept me, then I guess I have the opportunity to really think about my life and do something I have always wanted to do, as long as it is in the constraints of my parole... we musn't forget that LAME fucking, nose picking little drag of a tag-along... its like a curly redheaded brat that you are stuck with for a day that pick boogers and eat them while telling you what is " not nice" and that they are gonna tell everytime you fart sideways... Did Imention I added a diving board to my balcony... gotta practive those swan dives!!!! Anyway, I am hoping that my sis can find out something about a job in the hospital from one of her friends. So far, it seems like she might be having second thoughts. I hope that isn't the case. She was all gung-ho about the idea when it was coming out of her mouth; I got excited about it! But, then its like reality set in and she realizes that I would be working with Kev and she'd be a block away... Would I say things to her friends about her and Kev? Would I embarrass her? Would I ruin her rep like I supposedly did in school by doing some thing fucked up? HELL NO!!! But, I CAN see where she would worry... She already had some curry-eating, Shiva worshipping, son-of-a-slurpy machine ASSHOLE tell her friend that I "was a weirdo"... I'd like to see anyone sit in a 5 x 7 room in the boiling basement of a hospital with an undershirt, cashmere sweater and a wool blazer on and try to understand this Hindi speaking snob that makes digs at you like you are a moron. Condenscending bitches!!!! I hate 'em!!! But, that is why it is great to have a blog. I can rant, RANT, RANT and no one cares.. So, these are the things that occupy my mind currently. The glow of FREEDOM is fading with the arising question: What do I want to do with this new obtained FREEDOM!!!? I'd like to enjoy myself and also enrich my life... possibly both at once! My mind is clear and my drive is in gear, all I ned is a direction to start heading in... For now, I guess I am supposed to run around in circles so I can eye up the different paths that I have before me; I can choose one once I have a better idea where they all lead, how much work will be required, and how long until I get to the end of each path... I think those are important factors to have when making a life changing commitment to a new way of life. So, "WOOP!!!! DER IT IS!!!!!!"