Time of Change
Well, I have alot going on... a dying "relationship", a job offer in a Southern state, a pending interview, and the possibility of relocation.... i guess, it is more of an INEVITABILITY! In one to two months, I will once again head south to Florida. I should have been a Canada Goose. You can hear me honking high above you on those dark, cold, autumn nights; it would be me saying, GOD DAMN!!! It's cold up here and that asshole at the front of the V is too damn slow!!!!!"
I have written a multitude of poems, but I dont feel much like posting them right now. I am not in the best of moods and the only reason why I truly am on here now is to waste time and bide it until it is safe to go downstairs without me killing someone or maiming myself in the process. UGH! I must concentrate on the future and bring it into reality. But, I have my concerns... they aren't really fears per say, but the erode my consciouness in strange ways.
Will I ever get out of this situation that I call my "Unlocked Cage"? Do I REALLY want to? Am I just bored and unstimulated in an "old shoe" relationship- comfy, but OH SO DAMN PREDICTABLE!!!? Am I unsatisfiable? Soooooooo many questions.... Will I be able to stand on my own and claim the life I so want and envisualize for myself? Will I ever be as happy as I want to be? Will my ever-increasing mood swings and Jacob's Ladder paradigm switches settle into one even playing feild that satisfies me completely? Will people, especially family, stop taxing me so? Will I stop letting them? Am I making a mistake? The funny thing is that I get the feeling I am going to resent myself or someone else no matter what I do, achieve, or fail at... What does that mean? I think I am so used to never having to take responsibility for myself that it has become second nature and that line between me and my not-so-significant other has faded into a sort of meshment... But, that is Life... and I have a tendency to over think things. God, are you there?
All I DO know is that there are few people I can trust with my heart... that is becoming more and more clear to me. Maybe I should have left it frozen in the tundra of opportunism... Then again, it just seems everyone is out for themselves. No one seems REAL to anyone else. People take advantage of eachother... people hurt... people get over it and do it again... I don't want to be that. I have never felt incomplete without someone in my life; the irony is that I feel incomplete WITH someone in my life. I feel like an extension of someone else's life. I am a lap dog that gets fed VERY well, but never petted. The odd thing is that I choose to be this lap dog. Deep within me is a bloodhound that can and always have had a knack for sniffing out opportunities... I think my decision to get up off the floor, leave the feet of my icy master, and run amuck with my nose in the air IS A GREAT IDEA!!! -even if it is just for exercise... though, I am not sure if the door will be open for me to return. Oh, the trappings of decisions. My propensity to stress is amazing... If I caould bottle it, I KNOW I could make millions with our Department of Defense... talk about a major chemical weapon! But, I digress... I have my anchors... I love them too. My beautiful, talented, and soulful sister is my main anchor. She is my rock and my bestfriend. I hurt when I think about leaving her proximity. But, at least I will be somewhere she frequently goes and can easily make room for her when she visits... that way she doesn't have to spend all her time with more distant family and their dramas. My other anchor is EVERYWHERE... I call it WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeed!!!! LOL! Just kidding... God. Faith. Acceptance of Fate.... weed too! I ascribe all of those to spiritual direction. However, I am a powerful person and I am my worse enemy... I must remember that at all times. I usually get what I want because I don't stop until I get it... I just have to surround myself with the right people and focus on what is truly meaningful to me, never letting my self-esteem fluctuate; I sometimes do things below myself when I feel below myself. THAT is my biggest fear. I don't want to be the middle age loser that is constantly relying on others to bail me out. I think I have done ok... but, my safety nets have always been in place. If I choose to fly solo, there is nothing beneath me except the cold hard ground. Well, here's to flappin'!!!!!!! Zugenrue will win this battle in my heart, I know it and accept it. So, a Souther flight is inevitable. When is the question.
I have written a multitude of poems, but I dont feel much like posting them right now. I am not in the best of moods and the only reason why I truly am on here now is to waste time and bide it until it is safe to go downstairs without me killing someone or maiming myself in the process. UGH! I must concentrate on the future and bring it into reality. But, I have my concerns... they aren't really fears per say, but the erode my consciouness in strange ways.
Will I ever get out of this situation that I call my "Unlocked Cage"? Do I REALLY want to? Am I just bored and unstimulated in an "old shoe" relationship- comfy, but OH SO DAMN PREDICTABLE!!!? Am I unsatisfiable? Soooooooo many questions.... Will I be able to stand on my own and claim the life I so want and envisualize for myself? Will I ever be as happy as I want to be? Will my ever-increasing mood swings and Jacob's Ladder paradigm switches settle into one even playing feild that satisfies me completely? Will people, especially family, stop taxing me so? Will I stop letting them? Am I making a mistake? The funny thing is that I get the feeling I am going to resent myself or someone else no matter what I do, achieve, or fail at... What does that mean? I think I am so used to never having to take responsibility for myself that it has become second nature and that line between me and my not-so-significant other has faded into a sort of meshment... But, that is Life... and I have a tendency to over think things. God, are you there?
All I DO know is that there are few people I can trust with my heart... that is becoming more and more clear to me. Maybe I should have left it frozen in the tundra of opportunism... Then again, it just seems everyone is out for themselves. No one seems REAL to anyone else. People take advantage of eachother... people hurt... people get over it and do it again... I don't want to be that. I have never felt incomplete without someone in my life; the irony is that I feel incomplete WITH someone in my life. I feel like an extension of someone else's life. I am a lap dog that gets fed VERY well, but never petted. The odd thing is that I choose to be this lap dog. Deep within me is a bloodhound that can and always have had a knack for sniffing out opportunities... I think my decision to get up off the floor, leave the feet of my icy master, and run amuck with my nose in the air IS A GREAT IDEA!!! -even if it is just for exercise... though, I am not sure if the door will be open for me to return. Oh, the trappings of decisions. My propensity to stress is amazing... If I caould bottle it, I KNOW I could make millions with our Department of Defense... talk about a major chemical weapon! But, I digress... I have my anchors... I love them too. My beautiful, talented, and soulful sister is my main anchor. She is my rock and my bestfriend. I hurt when I think about leaving her proximity. But, at least I will be somewhere she frequently goes and can easily make room for her when she visits... that way she doesn't have to spend all her time with more distant family and their dramas. My other anchor is EVERYWHERE... I call it WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeed!!!! LOL! Just kidding... God. Faith. Acceptance of Fate.... weed too! I ascribe all of those to spiritual direction. However, I am a powerful person and I am my worse enemy... I must remember that at all times. I usually get what I want because I don't stop until I get it... I just have to surround myself with the right people and focus on what is truly meaningful to me, never letting my self-esteem fluctuate; I sometimes do things below myself when I feel below myself. THAT is my biggest fear. I don't want to be the middle age loser that is constantly relying on others to bail me out. I think I have done ok... but, my safety nets have always been in place. If I choose to fly solo, there is nothing beneath me except the cold hard ground. Well, here's to flappin'!!!!!!! Zugenrue will win this battle in my heart, I know it and accept it. So, a Souther flight is inevitable. When is the question.
posted by virtual madness unleashed at 11:14 AM
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