Life, thus far...

A day in the life of me... how intrinsically sublime! AAlthough not very much has changed in my everyday existence, there has been alot of growth within me. I have been studying astrology in a natural sense; I think I have been able to tap into the fabric of my being and recognize patterns that I never saw before. The results yeilded me a new and profound glimpse into existence and this anamoly we call "Life". If one is prone to see Life as a classroom where experiences and lessons are learned for the purpose of perfecting the human soul, it is easier to understand the inexplicable. I do believe that modern technology has hindered humanity's innate ability to introspect and see what is not visible. Here is the wisdom I have gleamed thus far.
In order to explain myself coherrently and in a way that is completely understood, I must attempt to bring you, my reader, into the center of my understanding of the Life cycle. By this, I DO NOT mean natural growth, but spiritual growth... even though it certainly is a natural cycle that occurs every year. Basically, I have subscribed to the philosophy that nature, itself, does abide. Being a natural being, I have seen myself within this vast natural universe as a part of this cycle, not separate because of the old adage, "I think, therefore I am". I am more atuned to the philosophy of existentialism that dictates that "I exist no matter what I think, I just am." Once you stop cerebrally fighting to make sense of a force that is literally unable to be defined, one can define themselves through that force. This is what I have been attempting to do. So far, I have found certain clarity in this meditation. I have broken it down below and I hope that whomever reads this, reads it with an open mind.
Life is a cycle that is largely predetermined in its structure. One will inevitably go through the seasons of existence as everything else in nature. Because the human is half natural and half spiritual, this cycle occurs simultaneously and intertwined within and all around us. I will use myself as the example by which I illustrate my new philosophy of growth and maturation.
Biologically, it is seen in nature that we are immensely influenced by the seasons and lunar cycles. In the Spring, people tend to think about new goals, paths they wish to take themselves in life, and only really think about their present in terms of what they wish to accomplish. Every thought is filtered through this idea of possibility. Biologically, the human body gets very arroused, as does any animal in this plane of existence. Actually, the spring is when most animals mate and replentish the Earth with new generations of life. Trees grow new branches and develope leaves to proliferate the cycle of inevitable fruiting and reseeding. People born during this period of March, April, and May are entities that want to create, orchestrate, or need to change this plane. They are dreamers with aspirations that sometimes go beyond the scope of their capabilities. We are ultrcreative and developmental, focusing on the future. Sometimes the present takes a back seat to these future prospects. We fear stagnation and idleness; we question if we are where we are supposed to be. At times, we feel as if we are in the wrong relationship, field of work, role in life, or even the wrong skin. This is the fundamental drive of the Spring or Waking Sun. Our characteristics include a natural happiness and optimism because we live for the future. We are usually artistic, creative, and always interested in something new. We wish to expand as much as we can. We want to become the most that we can and our drive is incredible in its capacity. We are the most abundant source of natural energy or "life force". It is all about setting life up for the continuation of its cycle and ensuring the cycle moves forward.
Those born under the Summer, or Conscious Sun, are very goal oriented in a more short term manner; the people born in June, July, and August are very oriented toward completion of tasks and success. These people tend to seek out instant gratification, as opposed to the long term. In many ways they are very aware of their presence and their role on this plane. They only question their role in Life when a question is unavoidable. They see themselves as in the middle of a project that needs closure. They are the life of a party, satisfied with the present, as long as it is perfected to their degree of satisfaction. They come into existence in the middle of the maturation stage of Life. Usually, this means they are very headstrong, confident, and assertive. Their personality's are strong and are the rocks that people use as touchstones. They can get the job done. Their capability is unquestionable and they naturally are competitive. They love to be festive and usually live life to the fullest in the moment. They fear stagnation more than any other personality type, for Fall is around the corner; they do not like to procrastinate and can be short with those that do not assimilate to their fast paced ideals. They are not dreamers as much as they are doers.
The people born in September, October, and November are born under the Waning Sun, or Fall. These people are the introspective of the seasons. They are the introverts of the bunch and tend to keep their thoughts and emotions to themselves primarily. On the outside, they may appear to be smooth and unruffled, but internally, they are prone to emotional conflict and over analyzation. They usually are punctual and produce a commendable degree of activity. They are not usually focused on the future, but the past and its significance to their present. They are avid lovers of history and why things operate the way that they do. They are very logical and clinical in their view of the world because their creative energies usually are focused internally on defining what goes on within their minds and hearts. They are reclusive and have a tendency to isolate, especially when something is bothering them. However, they are rather dependable and pragmatic due to their love of logic and order. They also have an innate appreciation for the beauty that IS, as apposed to creating beauty.
The Winter, or Sleeping Sun, people are born December, January, and Febraury; these people are entities of enjoyment, relaxation, and rest. These people are very prone to find enjoyment in the details of Life. Creativity, drive, success, and accomplishment of goals are more internalized. They see themselves as the priority of their energies in that they are very comfortable in their own skin and seek out ways to better relax and enjoy their lives. They are jubilant and naturally festive. They are the least driven in the external sense of life because they are constantly internalized in finding comfort within themselves. They are natural lovers and enjoy having someone to relax and love. They tend to be very easy going and very accepting of people; they even are known to have a sedative affect on others, making them very sought after to talk to. The season of dormancy, or energy conservation, dominates their psyche and their goals for the future and analysis of the past take a backseat to the goal of the present in finding internal peace. They enjoy naps, vacations, and lounging. The details in life are of paramount importance because that is their realm. They can sit idle and really soak in their surroundings in detail. They are very distressed when hassled or in the presence of anything chaotic. They are very emotional and show their emotions for others freely, however, they do have difficulty in sharing their deep emotions towards themselves.
It is important to understand what type of personality one is because it is the foundation of their responses to Life; essentially, it is how they approach Life and IS the perspective by which thier lives are filtered through. This will inevitably influence how they deal with problems, approach situations that involve others, process their emotions, and view themselves. For example, if a Spring child is doing his best to accomplish a goal with someone and that person accuses them of slacking off, they are prone to becoming offended, angry, and will self-analyze immediately, taking the criticism to heart and being hurt; they may or may not retaliate with words of their own depending on the level of criticism, but is definite that they will not forget the assertion that they are not doing their part. The Summer child will react in much the same manner, but will usually not self analyze and jump immediately to a counter attack, being the driven and competitive person they are. The Fall child will hear the criticism and be internally affected by it, but will not allow the critic to have the satisfaction of knowing they have affected them in a negative way; they are usually logical and will externalize the issue by criticizing the critic or simply assuming that the critic is having a bad day. The Winter child, loving a peaceful environment and choosing to see the criticism as a threat to their relaxation will simply choose to not be affected by the criticism; they would rather keep the peace and offer the critic a listening ear. They may become annoyed, but to a negligible degree because they are their own sanctuary.
On a simpler note, one can see the core of the personality deliniations by comparing humanity to trees; Druids from ancient times have done this for centuries and even subscribed to the notion that trees were superior to humans in that humans have flawed emotions , therefore, must be servants to nature. Using the template of the tree to examine how nature affects humanity, one can see the foundation of the human psyche and the way it is in sync with nature. For example, in the spring, trees prime initiative is to grow and branch out as much as possible in order to gain the most life giving light; the tree is the most active with its energies externally-they will grow in any fashion necessary to ensure they will be able to mature, expending mass amounts of energy in doing so. When summer rolls around, the tree is strong and uses less energy as it has matured and begins to produce seedlings, deeper roots, or other little goals; this is when the tree is the strongest and most accomplished having grown upright, strong, and is less fragile. When autumn rolls around, the tree begins to store the energy that it has absorbed from the summer's light and reveals its awesome colors in satisfaction before dropping its leaves with the most energy activity being internal. By the time winter has arrived, the tree is dormant with all of its stored energy in its roots and at a minimal expenditure; this saved energy that is left over in the spring will be the energy that "springs" the tree back into active production of leaves to replentish itself. The cycle continues from there until the time that the tree is cut or dies. Ironically, the tree lives again in the identical clones that it has dropped to the fertile plane of Earth in the summer's end, a form of reincarnation.
How does this tie into me and my life? Well, I had to give you the foundation from which my ideology stems and why I see what I see when I look at myself and my life. Currently, I am in the season of my deepest introspection while searching for a peace within myself. The Season I am born under does not change, therefore my drive is the same, just directed into the phase that I am currently in. I am a future oriented person in the phase of introspection that is assigned to finding peace within myself. The focus of my attention is directed by the season I AM IN, while the application of that energy is dictated by the personality season I am; I am actively trying to find solace and peace within myself so I can relax and center my being for spiritual rest. If I ignore this, then I may not reserve the energy necessary to give my Life my best when my prime season of spring rolls around. My activity will be flawed, I will feel lethargic and possibly depressed by lack of life energy. To be more specific, I am soul searching and defining who and what I am along with what role or lesson I must learn from my life. This is difficult and painful. As I identify deficits within me, I meditate on them, personify them, and write them down in an artistic form to give them body/meaning while getting them out of my being. In a sense, I am purging myself of negative energy to make room for positive growth and energy.
Currently, I have identified my loneliness, not only in my physical space, but in my view of the world, myself, and the people I love. For the longest time, I felt as if I was shameful and unworthy of positive attention. I wonder why no one calls me. Why I affected myself this way from childhood. Essentially, what is so damn wrong with me that I do not deserve unconditional love and acceptance; why are all of my flaws so easily focused on and overpowering than my accomplishments? Why do I hold in this deep pain and feelings of inadequacy because I don't feel loved the way I want? Why did I allow myself to hold that pain do close to me until it irritated me and turned to a rage that I could only escape from through substance abuse? Why did I bottle that pain up until its pressure caused me such violent mood swings? How do I want to be loved? I thought these were questions that needed to be answeredn when in fact, these questions and their answers were never real. When I learned to understand my natural impulses through my season type, I realize that my drives are of a natural force, rather than an emotional source or fixation that makes me so driven to create these questions and seek out answers that don't exist. Once I realized this, the patterns of my life opened up before me and I received clarity. I see that I am the result of nature and environmental influences that converged to create emotions, and THOSE emotions are what hurt me. I created them out of confusion and held onto them out of not knowing any alternative. The simple fact is that I grew up in a family that never really was in any crisis other than the crisis they created... a self perpetuated cycle of blame assignment and habit! Negative mojo! Essentially, there is nothing wrong with my family! We are three dreamers that revolved around a rock! How perfect is that? If anything, my poor father, the rock, is the real victim!!! I am surprised that he isn't clinically insane! He likes instant gratification when everyone else was happy to take our own time to enjoy the process of formulation. THAT is the foundation or emotional setting of our family. Add to this the mix that nothing was wrong with our family, other than OTHER PEOPLE convincing our family something WAS wrong. People are imperfect in so many different ways. That is what makes people so damn perfect! However, sometimes those imperfections can combine and compound into an issue that is necessary to learning life's lessons. I think there were too many "phantom lessons" being focused on. The undertones of my family are simple:
My mother and father had a hard time finding what they considered true happiness when they actually had it... Anyone who watches an episode of Roseanne can see that. Life is NOT meant to be an episode of Leave It To Beaver!!! Besides, if it was, that is exactly where I would like to leave it... TO BEAVER!!! Enter a bunch of relatives that can smell uncertainty, combined with a need for attention, and you all of a sudden have chaos, resulting in aggravation and inevitably shrinks! Ironically, I received the records of my time with good ol' Dr. Fruge' and I was completely underwhelmed. With the education I have in psychology, through my childhood pictures I see a normal family that is convinced that they were in crisis... we simply became that!!!
I mean really!? What family that has school aged children is the perfect image of harmony? That chaos is the reason why the phrase, "The Family Circus" exists... So, with that in mind,
I am more able to let go of the need to hold on to old habits of feeling victimized because I understand my drives and impulses better; along with the clarity that this new ideology has given me, I also am more knowledgeable of what is going on in my present. I understand that where I am is a direct result of mot doing what nature has told me to do; therefore, nature has corrected my mistake and made me focus on what is needed to recenter myself. My so called "DEMONS" are slowly, but surely being unveiled and exposed as the simple psyche traps that they are. Self-loathing, self-pity, anger, blame assignment, sadness, depression, mania, envy, and any other general weakness is slowly being exposed, expunged, understood, and expelled from my being. he hard part is breaking the old habits and replacing it with my new way of life.
But, my life, thus far is one of exploration, peace, relaxation, and knowing myself as a good person that lost track of what is really important in life... my true nature.